I’m not the least bit surprised that this close to
Valentine’s Day here I am writing a hate blog on the overrated holiday. Okay,
so I wouldn’t use the term hate. I
don’t hate it, but I wouldn't say I'm Cupid's #1 Fan either. I’ve gone on many romantic dates as
well as spending other years going out with my girlfriends to keep my mind off
of the constant loneliness and rejection that is my life. That’s a little dark
actually, and as I sit here and try really hard to dwell on being single I
can’t help but to think about how past years actually sucked when I went on a
date during this godforsaken holiday.
Some of you
may have heard the expression, “Things probably seemed better at the time than
they actually were”. For example, you are in a relationship and you decide that
hey…I’m young and hot and want to check
out my options… So you break up with Mr.RightNow. Only two weeks later when
he won’t take you back you are suddenly depressed, and have convinced yourself
that when you were with him it was the happiest you ever were and you made a
horrible mistake. Honey, there was no mistake. Take the time to look back at
those “good times” and really dissect them. It is only then when you start to
realize those times weren’t as good as you might remember them as.
Don’t worry
I haven’t gotten off track here. So as I was saying earlier I have gone on my
fair share of cute dates on Valentines Day and it was pretty kickass if I
remember correctly. Ahhh yes, if only I could have those days back…
I’m totally
screwing with you guys. Looking back at those “awesome dates” I am coming to
terms with the fact that even with a date Valentine’s Day freaking blows, and
this is why:
Ø
Anxiety
of getting a Valentine:
I know girls (more than one actually) who have
literally told me that they plan on staying with their boyfriend just so they
won’t be alone on Valentine’s Day. God I wish that was a joke! What have us female’s
come to these days? Yes, great idea Cindy. You should definitely stay with Tommy who just cheated on you with a
Bottle-Service-Girl in Vegas just so you can go to some swanky restaurant on
Valentine’s Day and fight the whole time! He’s such a winner.
Then there are
the hoochies in college who just can’t decide which one of their hook-ups they
are going to go out with. Reality check: there is a extremely high chance that
none of these guys care enough to actually ask you, and the one who does is
most likely the one you like the least. But I mean, beggars can’t be choosers,
right?
Ø
Where
ever you want to go, babe:
So now that you have your date all
lined up it is time to decide where you want to go. A lot of people our age
will go the cheap route and hit up a Chili’s or Olive Garden. There is nothing
wrong with that choice, just expect to be fully judged by everyone that
works there. So if instead you love
birds plan on going anywhere that matters I hope Prince Charming set up a
reservation, otherwise that waitlist is no joke. So assuming PC followed
through with the most basic step of setting up a great date you can just throw
on something pink, get dolled up and you two can walk right in.
You may think that this is going
to be a romantic dinner, the two of you looking in each other’s eyes exchanging
your inner most thoughts about whatever. Nope, you are wrong. It’s most likely
a dinner similar to every other one you two have shared (perhaps worse). One of
my fave dinner memories of Valentine’s Day was two years ago when my boyfriend
of the time had a mental breakdown because he found out he was getting kicked
out of school for bad grades. As I sat there staring at my plate I remember
thinking how much it sucked that I was not only dating an idiot, but a cry
baby. Happy Valentine’s Day to me! Now I’m not saying all of you are dating or
talking to cry baby idiots, however don’t expect a huge romantic spiel, you
will likely be disappointed.
Ø
They
expect a trophy for taking you out:
…Or all of that other stuff. Now
I’m sure most of us are adults and expect to take it to the next step after
dinner anyways, but Jesus it would have happened regardless of the meal. You
let your man take you to an Italian restaurant that is barely more authentic
than Bertuccis and next thing you know he thinks he deserves the Blowjob of the
Year.
Shouldn’t our men want to take
us out to eat every day they can? Of course they don’t! Do you think we want to give you the Blowjob of the
Year? Of course we don’t! Can we just settle our differences and accept that
neither of us owes each other anything for this pointless holiday. You took me
out to a mediocre dinner, you didn’t end world hunger dude. Alright, moving on.
Ø
The sex
is not like what you have planned out in your head:
I apologize, this is a bit graphic
but let us be serious, most of you already know where I’m going with this. It’s
like when a boyfriend’s birthday or something dumb like that comes up and you
go out and get an outfit or cute undies expecting the best sex ever.
Then the
time comes and it’s just basic. The
thing is you can’t plan out chemistry it just sort of happens. You get lost in
the moment and its awesome. The point is you probably assumed you and your date
are going to go back and get super freaky and it’s going to be incredible when
in reality your either A) Fighting
about something stupid from dinner. B)
So stuffed from dinner you are actually dreading getting in the sheets. C) Your roommate is already back with her date and your life is over. D) All of the above
Hey, don’t let me stop you love
sick puppies who already have a date though! There is nothing wrong with
sharing a day with someone, weather it’s a hot date or your best friend. Just
keep in mind that it takes a lot of work to have a nice night out, not just
wishful thinking. And those of you, who are dateless, don’t let it bring you
down! It is not even close to as romantic as you have planned out in your silly
little mind. Keep Calm and Drink Wine.
No comments:
Post a Comment