The Greater Evil

                     Recently I was having a conversation about the dating world with one of my female friends who happens to be bisexual. She was showing me a conversation that she was having with a female who just would not leave her the hell alone. Numerous text messages, Facebook messages and even Snapchats were sent and no matter how hard my friend tried to pull away from this chick she just would not get the hint. I jokingly said, “I thought men were bad…I was considering turning lesbian but now I’m not so sure.”

            She laughed at this and went on to say that dating girls isn’t really bad at all, and that there are good and bad sides to it, but isn’t that the same thing for guys? “Guys are douche bags, that’s their thing. Girls are crazy, and that’s their thing.” After she said this and the conversation died out it led me to a lot of thinking, mostly in terms of who is actually worse: girls or guys?

            Now I know, I’m a female so it might seem like its all girl power over here but that isn’t the case. Although I would usually be on Team Crazy instead of Team Douche I really wanted to dissect both sides so it would be fair. Guys are a pain in the ass but girls are no walk in the park either.

Situation number one:

Ahhh yes, it’s your three year anniversary and you and your mate practically live together and could not be more comfortable with one another. Rent sort of blows so the two of you agree that you are not going to get each other anything this year.

v Team Douche Bag: This fool is not trying to read in between the lines with this one. You both said you weren’t going to get each other anything, and he actually doesn’t. So let me get this straight… you are so damn cheap (or ignorant) that when your girl said she doesn’t want anything, you take that opportunity to get her literally nothing. Does the girl drink coffee? Does she tan? Gift certificates go a long way! Now in a dream world girls would say what they mean, and mean what they say but it is the first cardinal friggin rule that if a chick says “No babe, you don’t have to get me anything” that does not mean follow through with that. For heaven sake though, a Happy Anniversary card and a little something would do! In conclusion if you got her nothing, later in bed you’ll be receiving nothing. It’s not brain surgery.

v Team Crazy Bitch: So even though it has been decided that there will be no gifts this year the average female takes this idea and twists it like a Bop-It. She won’t even have a reason to go to the mall but she will make one up so she will just-so-happen to run into a gift for her man that “she just couldn’t not get for him.” So you’re telling me you went to the mall for a new belly button ring and walked out with a $200 speaker system for your boyfriend because “you just couldn’t not get it for him.” Yup, you’re freaking nuts. So now you want to give this gratuitous gift to him on your anniversary, and if he doesn’t return the favor he’s the biggest jerk on planet Earth? It’s fine, I’m sure he bought you something really nice even though you said “no gifts”…

Situation number two:

            Cheating seems to be everywhere you look these days. When did it become cool to be a player and uncool to love and protect your other half? I suppose this transition took place years ago, and its not always easy to weed out a good girl or good guy anymore. What happens once we get caught though?

v Team Douche Bag: Liar liar pants on fire. Or maybe if you kept your pants on you wouldn’t have to lie in the first place, but this seems to be a mans first reaction upon being caught. Now from my understanding it’s not just simply because guys are lying, cheating, low down, good for nothing type of people. It’s surprisingly much more than that. A guy would rather jump off a bridge than make a girl cry. It makes them wildly uncomfortable, and there is no faster track to making your girlfriend cry than to tell her you made out with some ratchet girl at the dive bar a few weeks ago. So you get caught and lie until your face turns blue. Stop taking the easy way out and man up and admit to what you have done. Us females are like goddamn detectives, and the truth will always come out.

v Team Crazy Bitch: Not too much denial on this side. Maybe a little if we think we are going to get away with it, but we most likely can’t handle keeping something so horrible inside of us for too long so we just let it out. The good thing about girls is that we will almost right away ‘fess up. However when we do we break out a tactic (that really isn’t fair) such as water works and countless and irrelevant excuses. “Well, I…I sobbing felt so insecure because you said that sobbing… your ex texted you and…and it happened so fast I didn’t meeeeaaaan it. I was drunk bay…baby” sobbing elevates.

            So in general this means literally nothing, but with your eyes filling up, and somehow making your boyfriend look like he’s the bad guy you think you might actually get away with this. That’s messed up. Seriously. If you cheat you should probably not only not be the one crying, but you shouldn’t be coming up with these bizarre excuses that have no connection to you texting some random from your classes and then meeting up with him at a party. Girl you knew what you were getting yourself into. It is your fault. Stop being so crazy and own up to it!

Situation number three:

            It’s an unwritten fact that a person’s true self comes out when they are angry. You find yourself being unfiltered and the gloves are off when you’re pissed. When you and your lover are in a fight this side of you is unleashed, but what about when you two decide to go on a break? Yup, at this point the relationship is at its worst and “needing your space” is just the beginning. When you are on a break with your guy or girl, the real you comes out.

v   Team Douche Bag: Finally! You got over the stage where you are mourning the idea of your hot ass ex girlfriend at the club grinding on some bar slime and are ready to get even. Okay, so you don’t actually know if that’s what she’s doing, but why chance it? You get all of your friends over your apartment and let it be known that you are single and ready to mingle (i.e. get smashed and, uhm…get smashed).  The crew is riled up and your off to so some trashy bar down the street that your ex never wanted you at in the first place. 

At this point you feel more alive than you ever have in your life and the goal is to find a dime piece in this p.o.s bar (good luck). Little do you know sleeping with that girl that looks like an 8 when your cocked, and a 6 when your sober won’t actually get you over the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Never the less, your positive she’s doing the same thing right now anyways.

v Team Crazy Bitch: It’s week three and you are still morbidly depressed. Your girlfriends tried to get you out of the house but you could barely make it past the drive way. All you do is check your iPhone, your Facebook and even your Snapchat but there is no sign of the one that got away. Well, that might be an over statement but he was with you for kind of a while, so there’s only one more thing to do. Stalk. Yea, you have become a fucking stalker. Even seeing a girl liking ex-douche-canoes status from 5 weeks ago could be evidence. You carefully spy through all of his shit until you realize you aren’t reaching any conclusions except he is a bigger piece of shit than you thought before. This in itself is insane. Why do we tourture ourselves as girls and do this? Get it together and go out! If your too upset to pull that much off get your ass to the gym, clean the house…shit go sit at the bar by yourself like a freak for all I care. Anything, and I mean anything is better than stalking your ex. He was a pansy ass anyways.

            It took me a while to write this blog, and believe me when I say I seriously thought when I finished this post I would have a solid answer I truly mean it. At first I said that guys natural ability to be jerks is so much worse than us girls being bat shit crazy. Then I decided that guys can be jerks, but at least they aren’t delusional like females. Now I am at the conclusion that we are different species, and cannot be compared. I say this because you will never see a girl truly manifested as a douche bag, or a guy truly manifested as a crazy bitch. Its not who we are people! With each you got to take the good with the bad. As the wise George Carlin once said, ““Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”