Insecurities and absurdities: The female mind

This day and age the concept of a beautiful woman is kind of all over the place. There is the Bohemian Bombshell, Blonde Beauty, Fashion Guru’s, Yoga Chicks and so many more. Every girl has something sexy about her. And no, this is not a sappy article about how all girls should love themselves, girl power or whatever. Quite honestly, if you don’t already know this ladies, I can’t help you, and you have a long road ahead of yourself. This is more of a reality check, or to put it more lightly a “helping hand”.

I remember when I was in a relationship in high school with a guy who always said he liked blondes. Me on the other hand being brunette with brown eyes and tanned skin never felt like I was what he wanted. Suddenly everywhere I looked, there were gorgeous blonde women. 

It’s sort of like when you get a new car, and you see the exact model everywhere. And you are thinking in your head, “That’s my car, that’s my car”.  That was me: Look at that girl, look at that girl. It was suddenly a Blondes World now that I was insecure.

Anyways I dropped the loser, started feeling better about myself and it wasn’t long before I realized Blondie’s weren’t the direct problem. You see, just because some guys like blondes, some like brunettes, some like the dark skin some like the pale chicks. Beauty is different in everyone’s eyes. Women are extremely aesthetically pleasing. There are ravishing girls here in America, as well as half way around the world, rich/poor…it doesn’t matter. Females are actually one of the only species where the female is more attractive than the males.

So put something in your head: You will never be the most attractive girl in the room. And it isn’t because you necessarily aren’t a knock out, but different people are into different things. Just because that guy in your math class likes your best friend and not you doesn’t mean she is better, just what that one person is looking for. Then all of a sudden a different guy prefers you and its just weird and fast how life works out like that.

Listen, even if you are a Victoria Secret Angel, there will still be that guy who wants the Playboy Bunny. Even if you are freaking Kim Kardashian there will always be the guy who wants Jennifer Aniston instead. Just because you have a butt, a guy might like boobs. Just because you have abs, a guy could like curves. You see what I mean? Don’t kill yourself by comparing yourself to other females. There are waaay to many drop-dead gorgeous girls out there to try to be on top. Be happy with yourself, or work on it until you are. Because you will kill yourself trying to be the hottest girl in the room.

The Four Friends a Chick has in her Twenties

1.     Barbra the Builder

Aka the friend you have that is extremely handy. When your necklaces are all tied up in a web of never ending doom she can untangle it in a few minutes flat.

 Your favorite shirt has a rip in it? This bitch can sew it up and make it look better than before. Most importantly, she can help you fix any problems in your life. Broken heart? She can sew that back together for you as well.

2.     The Partier

If you just had a bad break up, or just a bad day… hell, even a great day this is the go-to-gal. You can go out, get white-girl-wasted and dance the night away. Granted, you two can hang out sober and it would be just as fun. However when its time to blow off some steam she always has the right “spot” to go to, day or night. And when you both have a Friday night off… its game on.

3.     The Ying to your Yang

Better known as your soul sistah. Your other half, maybe even your better half. She makes you laugh, has made you so angry that it makes you cry. She has been there through it all, and you probably wouldn’t be exactly who you are today without her. When you two are together, no one else can get a word in.

4.     The Pusher

And I don’t mean drugs. In fact, she probably doesn’t dabble with anything. She is there to push you in the right direction.

“Study for your test, go to the gym, break up with him already!”

She is freaking superwoman. You don’t know how she is so perfect, but you know you are far from it. And you know what? She still loves you. So you two can go get your study on, and then go watch some chick flicks.

6 reasons why girls that go camping are hot

1.     She knows how to rough it

Yup, dirt bugs and 40 second showers. And for several days she doesn’t even care. That’s what a camper is signing up for. This chick is not high maintenance. Go roll around in some dirt with her, she likes it.

2.     She knows how to pitch a tent

…And I’m not just talking about the campsite.  No but seriously, any decent camper can successfully pitch a tent, even if it takes a while. So sit back and enjoy your beer, she’s got it. (Totally kidding, get your ass up and help you bastard).

3.     She doesn’t take too long to get ready

After plenty of practice this girl knows how to throw herself together pretty quickly. I mean when you are camping you might have one little mirror all four days to see how ugly you actually are without make up. So you pick up little tricks after a few years and now you get ready for the day with your eyes closed.

4.     She’s totally prepared.

So I mean this both literally and metaphorically. When out camping you learn that forgetting one single thing at home can throw off your entire camping experience. Well after drilling that into your head every camping trip, that shit follows you to real life. You need anything, ask the hot camper.

5.     She’s one with nature.

Okay, a little corny but she won’t be the one to turn down nature walks or fishing. You’ve got a down to get dirty flower child on your hands, guys.

Butterflies landing on her while she’s singing to the animals in the forest. Okay, so maybe not exactly like that, but you know what I mean.

6.     She isn’t annoyingly addicted to her cell

Most of the campgrounds I have ever been on have pretty bad reception, although some were bearable. Even when you do have service though, you are likely leaving it at the site to charge while you go off and do whatever. Half the fun of being camping is getting away from all that “real-life” BS. No Facebook on this trip.

Cinco de Mayo back and ready for action

Put your sombrero and fake mustache on and get ready to party! Yup, it is finally that time of the year again where we celebrate the Anniversary of the Battle of Puebla (I’m totally screwing with you, in fact I had to Google that.). Anyways here in the US its more of a day where we all pretend to be Hispanic and get sloppy at the local Mexican restaurant…unless of course you have gone above and beyond to be more creative than this and are throwing a festive shindig at your place. Nevertheless, sloppy.

 I didn’t really start “celebrating” [i.e. chugging margaritas until I thought my last name Perry was Pablo] until my freshman year of college where everyone made it clear that in University world this was a real unofficial holiday. People are either dressed quite, eh… well racist, or just being typical white girl wasted.

 Recently I really started thinking to myself, “holy shit, for such an inapplicable holiday to my life I sure do spend a whole lotta money on it.” I mean for all I, the typical white girl, knows this could be some kind of Mexican conspiracy- make all of us clueless idiots buy a bunch of expensive margaritas, shitty Coronas and killer tequila shots. Ok, not much of a conspiracy, but say hello to being hungover and broke on May 6^th.

I personally plan on going to this little hidden gem called “Fiesta” where they have cheap ass margaritas, they BLAST Spanish music throughout the entire bar and everyone is there to much like the name, FIESTA. Seriously, for 20 dollars you can get like 4 huge ass margaritas like its nothing, which sure beats out the Chili’s I went to last year. The game plan: invite as many people over my apartment from the hours of 3-5 pm, chug tequila, then call a cab to this godforsaken bar which is conveniently 4 minutes down the road (better safe than sorry). Upon arrival I will chug more tequila from 530-10pm. Then back to the cab.

 Seriously guys, chugging tequila and calling for a ride home go taco and taco, I mean hand and hand. So be safe, have fun and try to not make too much of a jackass out of yourselves this year! EY EY EY!

Drunk words: Sober thoughts or intoxicated nonsense?

If you consider college a culture you know that being constantly drunk is just a way of life. It is truly a work of art. Just like the cliché you will always hear coming from some 30-something-year old at the bar who misses their crazy glory days, “DUDE, when I was in college all I did was get hammered, barely made it to class, played video games…oh and more drinking.” Annoying, but actually quite accurate.

            So how come for a culture that is in a reoccurring state of being boozed out are we not drunk-convo literate?

[def.] drunk-convo literacy: able to decode drunk assholes conversations for what it really is.

            All jokes aside right now, here is the perfect example of D-CL: It was my freshman year and literally everyone was hooking up with everyone. I think my school mates were kind of like “Wooooo it’s college lets get it!”. This was also the year of the blossoming phrase, “YOLO”. Anyways, I remember this one couple vividly that was hooking up and let me tell you, they were as mismatched as a couple as Miley Cyrus is wearing a drug rug. The thing was everybody knew they were only a thing because of one reason: Whenever they hung out they were always messed up. Like, alone, they were drunks-… and together, they were a walking talking shit show.

            I was only slightly close enough to both parties to get the jist of their relationship. They had gotten drunk together for like 5 Thursdays in a row so they had to make it official. They would drunkenly tell each other how “much they liked each other” and how “there was a connection” they couldn’t deny. And everyone else was all You guys are fucking weird together.

            As life often goes, the spark fizzled out and the two went their separate ways. Aka they finally hung out sober and realized they had nothing in common besides, well…drinking.

            You see, what must have happened is they sobered the hell up and realized they didn’t like each other that much and really had no “connection”. Had they been D-CL they would have realized that by “liking each other so much” they really meant “wow, we get along together great after 10 pm, and our friend groups work out together too”. And by “connection” they “couldn’t deny” really meant “We kick ass as a ruit team”. Go figure. But they aren’t the only victims of drunken words.

“OMG take my number, wait you probably have it saved??!! We HAVE to hang out tomorrow! I miss youuu!”

D-CL: We used to hang out, and now I don’t give you the time of day. Since I ran into you at this party I should act like I will put in more of an effort from here on out (I won’t though).

“I miss ya faceee, come to my dorm after thissss?”

D-CL: I miss that ass, let me get a little more drunk so I can spend some more time with people I actually miss

“You are beautiful, kiss me?”

D-CL: You look hot as hell right now. Maybe its beer goggles. Whatever, lets get this started already.

Just to clarify, I don’t solidly believe that all drunken words are bullshit. Sometimes we really say what we mean and mean what we say! Its us, just us a little more, uh…. Intense? For example, when I look at my close girlfriend in the eyes and say “WE ARE TOTALLY GOING FOR A RUN TOMORROW” I don’t actually mean stay in bed all day puking from this killer hang over, I really believe we are going to go for a run. It’s totally sick right? Just understand that even sincere words are not always true, because after a couple of shots of tequila you are Superwoman/Superman.  It.Is.Not.Real.Life.

Ladies, if a dude says he really likes you after he just funneled a beer please don’t bring it up the next day at “Lets get breakfast and talk about how drunk we were last night” and actually believe it. When guys are drunk they love attention, I mean they love it from girls anyways but it is a 10 fold after a few beers.

Heed my warning of drunken words my friends. Don’t fall victim.