1.
You
will…puke
Yes, I know I know this holiday is
pretty much only a thing because you get to drink a crazy amount and no one
will judge you. The situation at hand is that people think that because it is
National-Drink-Your-Brains-Out-Day they have developed some wacky super power
that allows them to have a ridiculously higher tolerance than they do any other
day of the year. Listen, you couldn’t drink a handle of Cpt. Morgan’s
yesterday, so don’t think you can today.
I know I sound like a wet blanket and
NO I’m not a party pooper but you will ruin the shit show if you get sick by 1
in the afternoon! Pace yourself that way you can get sick at 1 in the morning
instead. Not solid advice but hey, its St. Patty’s Day.
2.
You
will make an ass out of yourself in front of your crush
There is a good chance that where
ever you start off or end up you will be drunk upon arrival. Your eyes lock
with your crush and you go in for the kill. Just kidding, you are too much of a
pansy for that, so you begin your passive aggressive journey to get their
attention. Every time you think about approaching them you realize you are too
drunk to think of anything clever to say, so you turn into an even more drunk
nervous freak and make a real jerk out of yourself. Nobody, and I mean nobody
wants to deal with a sloppy mess.
3.
You
will blow through your cash
Here comes the good old
“completely ignore how much you think you have in your account and just keep
using your card that probably only has $120 on it” strategy. I know when I do
this (which happens way to often) I simply deal with this problem by not
looking at my bank statements and completely avoiding using my card until my
next pay check.
AKA don’t let that be
you because that’s beyond stupid. The drunker you get the easier it gets to
blow through your wallet and buy another beer. The drunker you get the easier
it gets to convince yourself you need a vodka redbull. But when you wake up hung
over and go to use your card for Dunkin Donuts, well, you know where I’m going
with this.
4.
You’re
suddenly a hard-o
With the liquor
flowing and the energy high in the air it isn’t too hard to go with the flow
or…flip your lid in 2 seconds flat. That guy that just smiled at your girl is
suddenly a threat, and that other guy that cut you in line for a beer is on
your shit list. You would normally let either of these things go, but not on
the night of St. Patrick’s Day! You charge full force making a real jerk out of
yourself in front of the whole bar. Next thing you know the guard throws your
obnoxious ass out of the bar and on the cold dirty street. Your friends won’t
answer and you have no money for a cab? Happy Holidays.
5.
Drunk
Driving
I want to switch gears for a quick
second to something a bit more serious. I know it sounds like a broken record
when I say drinking and driving isn’t cool. It isn’t just any casual night
where you go out and have three drinks and sober up a bit, like this day exists
so you can black out. You have an entire year to pick a friend that is going to
be responsible, so figure it out! From another angle, keep in mind the cops are
everywhere. If you value your life, your friends lives, the other drivers on
the roads lives or your license you will think twice about getting behind the
wheel all messed up. OR you can stop being a cheap ass and get a cab, that is
if you haven’t blown all of your money on beers.
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