Valentines Day (and why) ITS A TRAP

    I’m not the least bit surprised that this close to Valentine’s Day here I am writing a hate blog on the overrated holiday. Okay, so I wouldn’t use the term hate. I don’t hate it, but I wouldn't say I'm Cupid's #1 Fan either. I’ve gone on many romantic dates as well as spending other years going out with my girlfriends to keep my mind off of the constant loneliness and rejection that is my life. That’s a little dark actually, and as I sit here and try really hard to dwell on being single I can’t help but to think about how past years actually sucked when I went on a date during this godforsaken holiday.

            Some of you may have heard the expression, “Things probably seemed better at the time than they actually were”. For example, you are in a relationship and you decide that hey…I’m young and hot and want to check out my options… So you break up with Mr.RightNow. Only two weeks later when he won’t take you back you are suddenly depressed, and have convinced yourself that when you were with him it was the happiest you ever were and you made a horrible mistake. Honey, there was no mistake. Take the time to look back at those “good times” and really dissect them. It is only then when you start to realize those times weren’t as good as you might remember them as.

            Don’t worry I haven’t gotten off track here. So as I was saying earlier I have gone on my fair share of cute dates on Valentines Day and it was pretty kickass if I remember correctly. Ahhh yes, if only I could have those days back…

            I’m totally screwing with you guys. Looking back at those “awesome dates” I am coming to terms with the fact that even with a date Valentine’s Day freaking blows, and this is why:

Ø  Anxiety of getting a Valentine:

 I know girls (more than one actually) who have literally told me that they plan on staying with their boyfriend just so they won’t be alone on Valentine’s Day. God I wish that was a joke! What have us female’s come to these days? Yes, great idea Cindy. You should definitely stay with Tommy who just cheated on you with a Bottle-Service-Girl in Vegas just so you can go to some swanky restaurant on Valentine’s Day and fight the whole time! He’s such a winner.

Then there are the hoochies in college who just can’t decide which one of their hook-ups they are going to go out with. Reality check: there is a extremely high chance that none of these guys care enough to actually ask you, and the one who does is most likely the one you like the least. But I mean, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

Ø  Where ever you want to go, babe:

So now that you have your date all lined up it is time to decide where you want to go. A lot of people our age will go the cheap route and hit up a Chili’s or Olive Garden. There is nothing wrong with that choice, just expect to be fully judged by everyone that works there.  So if instead you love birds plan on going anywhere that matters I hope Prince Charming set up a reservation, otherwise that waitlist is no joke. So assuming PC followed through with the most basic step of setting up a great date you can just throw on something pink, get dolled up and you two can walk right in.

You may think that this is going to be a romantic dinner, the two of you looking in each other’s eyes exchanging your inner most thoughts about whatever. Nope, you are wrong. It’s most likely a dinner similar to every other one you two have shared (perhaps worse). One of my fave dinner memories of Valentine’s Day was two years ago when my boyfriend of the time had a mental breakdown because he found out he was getting kicked out of school for bad grades. As I sat there staring at my plate I remember thinking how much it sucked that I was not only dating an idiot, but a cry baby. Happy Valentine’s Day to me! Now I’m not saying all of you are dating or talking to cry baby idiots, however don’t expect a huge romantic spiel, you will likely be disappointed.

Ø  They expect a trophy for taking you out:

…Or all of that other stuff. Now I’m sure most of us are adults and expect to take it to the next step after dinner anyways, but Jesus it would have happened regardless of the meal. You let your man take you to an Italian restaurant that is barely more authentic than Bertuccis and next thing you know he thinks he deserves the Blowjob of the Year. 

Shouldn’t our men want to take us out to eat every day they can? Of course they don’t! Do you think we want to give you the Blowjob of the Year? Of course we don’t! Can we just settle our differences and accept that neither of us owes each other anything for this pointless holiday. You took me out to a mediocre dinner, you didn’t end world hunger dude. Alright, moving on.

Ø  The sex is not like what you have planned out in your head:

I apologize, this is a bit graphic but let us be serious, most of you already know where I’m going with this. It’s like when a boyfriend’s birthday or something dumb like that comes up and you go out and get an outfit or cute undies expecting the best sex ever.

 Then the time comes and it’s just basic. The thing is you can’t plan out chemistry it just sort of happens. You get lost in the moment and its awesome. The point is you probably assumed you and your date are going to go back and get super freaky and it’s going to be incredible when in reality your either A) Fighting about something stupid from dinner. B) So stuffed from dinner you are actually dreading getting in the sheets. C) Your roommate is already back with her date and your life is over. D) All of the above

Hey, don’t let me stop you love sick puppies who already have a date though! There is nothing wrong with sharing a day with someone, weather it’s a hot date or your best friend. Just keep in mind that it takes a lot of work to have a nice night out, not just wishful thinking. And those of you, who are dateless, don’t let it bring you down! It is not even close to as romantic as you have planned out in your silly little mind. Keep Calm and Drink Wine. 

What to drink, what to drink...

It’s Thursday night and second semester is just starting. Naturally all of my friends are ready to get dressed up in clothes that make them look like hoochies and meet up at whoevers place’s turn it is to get ruined so we can pregame. It’s funny because in college you have a couple of groups of people you hang out with, but your going out team is certainly you’re A-Team. These bitches are ridiculous, crazy and know what to do and where to go.

            My groups of friends are nothing alike however. Especially in regards to what their liquor of choice is for the shit show of a night out on Thursday we have all agreed to be apart of. We have one thing in common though: We are all broke bitches and need to split a bottle. So what do we choose?

            My first friend who is also my roommate will defend her choice until the bitter end: wine. Now we have evolved since freshman year from boxed wine to (classier?) bottles of Yellowtail moscatto.

The bright side: Any wine-o will tell you that wine makes you a happy/warm drunk every single time you consume it. It took me a while to realize I actually love wine and can fully appreciate the taste of it. Red wine is not my thing but sweet white wine is welcome in my refrigerator any time. There’s nothing like having a big ol’ glass of Yellowtail and shooting the shit with your friends on who is dating who (or who just got dumped).

The dark side: Warning- this shit will fuck you up. Excuse my language but it needed to be put out there. I cannot even begin to tell you how many fools think that you can down wine like any other drink. This is a sad misconception and is leading to girls acting sloppy among college campuses everywhere! One glass, you can feel it. Two glasses, you sure are talking more. Three glasses you are buzzing’. Any glasses besides that you may want to watch yourself, I’m not kidding. Boys in particular don’t seem to understand the true power behind wine. I say this because guys often mock me for drinking wine “like such a girl”. Oh really? You drink this bottle! Then tell me how ya feel buddy. And there is always the guy who insists on ‘slapping the bag’ when you get Franzia…

            Then there’s the friend that insists on downing some beers. She can chug them like a guy, and that’s not always a good thing.

The bright side: You are surely able to control yourself for the first couple of hours and are even able to pregame before the pregame. My friends and I personally only need 8 or 9 before we are down for the count and that certainly works out financially for me. Did I mention the selection? Whenever I run a packie for beer it takes me forever to decide if I want the same old same old or if I want to mix it up with some seasonal beer. For me the good thing is there’s never a beer you won’t finish even if you don’t like it. If you got over the initial taste of beer anything that isn’t really your first choice is still drinkable.

The dark side: You guessed it- beer belly. It’s a real thing! I know this from personal experience (and I’ve been paying for it every freaking day). All those extra calories to get drunk when you could just take a shot really catch up after a while. I didn’t appreciate beer until the summer going into my junior year of college so when I moved into my apartment I started slugging them down. It took only about two months until none of my clothes fit me right and it took me twice as long to get drunk (welcome to building a tolerance). Believe me, beer is good- God is great but cut down the calories before its too late!

My friend Michelle only drinks one thing: tequila. She really turned me onto it ever since she worked at some fancy Mexican restaurant and trained on the bar. She may spend her days as a waitress now but this chick can make a mean margarita.

The bright side: If you and you’re A-team want an instabuzz then look no further! There is no doubt about it that you’ll get really drunk really fast and it’s a drunk like no other! My body warms up right away and I am ready for action. Did I mention there are minimal calories? So bust out that blender and make some killer margaritas. The best part of it all is you can make them strong as anything and it tastes like candy. Peach mango margaritas: strongly recommended by yours truly.

The dark side: Did I mention the bright side and the dark side are the same thing? Tequila is like that crazy friend you have who you love going out with, but you know is going to get out of hand (and maybe arrested). You sling them back and next thing you know you are black out by the time you show up to the black light party. If you are drinking margaritas you will see no reason to slow down because it’s just too damn delicious. Fight the dark side my friends! Tequila takes no prisoners. I mean, there is a reason for that expression one tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor.

Finally there is the trooper who still reps vodka. I actually wish I didn’t have to write this piece of the article because I’m really not a fan. However most kids my age are all about it so here goes nothing.

The bright side: You can certainly get a huge bottle for zilch. A lot of students on my campus still buy Burnett’s (for some strange reason) but it will last them about 2 weeks of drinking. I mean, there are some cool selections out there and you can add pretty much any chaser to your vodka of choice…and don’t even get me started about the bar. I just discovered the magic of a fruit loop drink and it may have changed my life. Only flavored vodka can make magic like that I must admit.

The dark side: Hangover city bitch. I mean you don’t even know what one is until you finish a bottle of UV on some random weekend night. This is the type of hangover that no food, Advil or water can fix.

You need a solid 6 hours to start feeling like yourself again and that’s not even guaranteed. Okay, so you might be a baller and get something like Greygoose, in that case thumbs up for you. The rest of us will be perishing in our dorm rooms for the next 24 hours.

All the excuses we make up for guys and why they are all utterly invalid…

As a female there is no doubt that you haven’t been completely screwed over by a guy, or a few.  Don’t worry bitches, its not your fault, guys have no soul. We however do, and that is why we are constantly covering their asses even when we are clearly getting played with.

The excuses we make for them are ridiculous and usually revolve around why they cheated, or don’t call us back blah blah blah. I’ve had many of my female friends cry on my shoulder and I on theirs and these are some of the wretched things that we say (and really believe) to defend these freaks.

He must not have his phone on him…

This one is a kicker. I have never heard of someone not have their phone on them while still living in America unless you are on some crazy shit like scuba diving. Everyone, and I repeat everyone has their phone on them 99% of the time. Even my mother does. I’m not saying everyone cares about the texts or the FB bs on their cell, but they are still viewing.  If the guy your talking to hasn’t texted you back in a few hours its not because hes with another girl necessarily, he could be doing stupid shit with his stupid friends- just know you are at the bottom of his priorities. Kick him like a bad habit girl.

I feel like he might just be scared of getting to close to me…

            Oh jesus, if a girlfriend of yours says this one break out the ice cream, or the wine. The thing is guys don’t think like we do. If they have been hurt by someone they are not going to plan their lives around how to avoid it again. They are going to do the same shit they were doing before and deal with girls the same way they always have. I do not think he is scared of getting to close to you, maybe he is scared of you getting to close to him (which you most likely are so check yourself).

He must be busy…

            Or you must be delusional. Okay that is a bit harsh but common this guy you are complaining about is most likely the average guy, not a fucking scientist or doctor who is actually busy. Now I’m not saying that guys cant get busy and distracted, but its busy with stupid stuff like drinking with their friends or scratching their balls etc etc. Listen, if a guy wants you he will make time for you there is no doubt about this. Don’t any of us find it odd when they first meet us they put in the effort and by the 4^th date you are wondering why you haven’t heard from him in weeks in between your 3^rd date and now? He has moved on and isn’t interested anymore (which is ridiculous because you are an interesting/wonderful/smart/funny girl and you should all know that shit like the back of your goddamn hand).

5 Surefire ways to know you’re growing up….

1.     You watch what you say to others

à        You learn that talking shit about other people eventually always gets back to them. I mean there is surely a reason for that expression “if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it at all”. Really- don’t say it.  If you say to your friend Jenna that Kelly is a sloppy slut when shes drunk and you would rather take a hot skewer to your retina than go out with her again chances are Kelly will not only find out about it, but spite vengeance on your hateful ass.

            Other than that you have collectively learned over the years that nobody and I mean nobody likes a negative Nancy. You also see that making fun of the way someone else looks or comes off isn’t a very good look on you. People start to notice if you talk badly about others and I promise you that it wont up your own irrelevant status. As you get older you start watch what you say and how you say it.

2.     Christmas suddenly isn’t about gifts anymore.

àOkay, so we are al still human at any given age, and as beings on planet earth we love to get, get, get…receive,receive,receive. Yeah, we love to tare something open that holds a bit of mystery behind it. However you start to notice its nothing like how it was when you were a little kid. I know personally I didn’t belive my mom when she said she really only does gifts anymore for “the kids” but now the concept is coming together. For me it didn’t come together until I got my own place in college. I anxiously messaged my brother asking him when he was arriving for the holidays. He answered back jokingly asking why I cared because in years passed I would spend time with the family and then run off with my friends somewhere some place. I surprised myself with my answer: My family are my friends. I meant it too.

3.     Christmas might also be about liquor now…and maybe every other family function

àAll families are different but my family makes the transition around 19-20 for our young pups. I started to wonder if all those other holidays when I was bored out of my mind listening to my iPod might have actually been fun had I had a cold beer in my hand. Don’t get it confused I love my family and have fun with them regardless, but you cant relate to their fun until you are having a beer dancing to Christmas music with them. A few years later next thing you know you are taking lemonchello shots with grandma and you wonder how long your family has been this fucking cool.

4.     You stop acting like such a little shit on social networks

àI remember being 17 years old and having pretty risky photos on my page such as smoking weed, drinking out the bottle etc (now sadly the modern use of Snapchat) and thought nothing of it. My mom who would spy on my page would come to me mortified begging I take it off and maybe even attempt to grow up. I was 17 though, and didn’t care who saw it. It never even hit me that someday I would be persuing a career and that maybe it didn’t look so professional. Even moreso it was my mother telling me to knock it off and what did she know?

            As life started moving on I slowly stopped putting up pictures like that and started kind of…well, posting things on FB similar to stuff my mom would post. I traded in me ghosting a blunt to me posting statuses along the lines of “I cant wait to visit my family today!”. Where the hell did I have time to grow up and make this transition? Well people, you grow up and priorities change. I mean common, if you don’t grow up on social media did it ever actually happen at all?

5.     Speaking of pot you stop smoking so much of it.

à This one is sort of a kicker, because half of you are going to agree with this point and the other half are looking at your screen thinking to yourself, “I am never going to stop smoking pot”. Well, if you say the second one you have not grown up yet. Now I am not saying that smoking weed makes you immature or that if you smoke weed you are immature. What I am saying however is that the entire idea of growing up has to do with your priorities and smoking pot simply cannot be on that list. I’m sorry but it flat out can’t.

            Everyones journey with weed is usually similar: You start off being in 6^th grade totally straight edge and hating it. By high school your starting to learn to roll your own blunts maybe even buying a bong of some sort. After this stage you are hooked, smoking every day and smoking a blunt is a crucial part of your day. By college its as casual as having a beer in every sense. Now the last step is a bit blurry… its either by college or right after when you realize you can’t succeed and still fit in these blunt sessions. It really hit me when my friend said to me the other day, “what are we ganna do when we are adults, we cant just go on blunt rides and shit…” We can barely do that now at 22/23 years old! Like I have too much stuff to get done to even notice I haven’t smoked in 2 weeks. So you come to this mature conclusion where goals and priorities come first and fun comes after (don’t worry it still comes) and against popular beliefe- you don’t mind.