Halloween habits: send to the GRAVE or SAVE?

It’s that time of the year for Halloween lovers to rejoice! The leaves are falling, the air is crisp, and every girl within a mile radius of a Starbucks has a pumpkin flavored latte. Now believe me, I get it. Halloween isn’t everyone’s have all end all holiday (because who can really compete with Thanksgiving where you eat and drink all day?) But let us ghouls have our fun! Don’t let it be another year of going through the motions, making the same horrific mistakes you’ve been doing for years! Which Halloween and Fall habits should you SAVE, or take to the GRAVE?

Tanning to look good in costume… GRAVEYARD THAT SHIT!

Listen my little orange Pumpkin, I used to be the top tanning terror of the universe, and I remember the false confidence it gave me during holiday seasons.

Example 1: Getting fat from Christmas treats? Tan it away!

Example 2: Need that extra color before Valentines day? Jump in the tanning bed!

Example 3: Want to look mega hot in your not-so-modest costume? Tan-o-rama here I come!

To be fair, being tan can really change a look, but there are safer options. Options which won’t make you resemble candy corn as much… Consider a safer option such as a bronzer lotion. Get that subtle glow that’s sure to make your man’s Jack-o-Lantern light up (ha-ha).

*side note: this product by Younique is guaranteed to give you that killer color you are searching for.

https://www.youniqueproducts.com/Haliann/products/view/US-12402-01#.WeiJ8x8pBnF

Buy candy from the store the day after Halloween……. SAVE, DUH!

Like, literally save. Save the habit, save your money, save the embarrassment of stealing your younger sibling’s candy. Save, save, save! These deals are everywhere: CVS, Walgreens, Walmart. Feel free to hit a few places to please your sweet tooth, and regret nothing. If there is any time to break away from healthy living, I’d say this is a pretty good time.

Group costumes/couple costumes… SAVE, (AND PROBABLY GRAVE…)

Ok, so these are either super funny, super clever, or super DUMB! Here is a short comprehensive list of group costumes that should retire, simply because they are played out, or cheesy as hell.

*3 Blind mice

* Miley Cyrus and any type of background dancer EVER

*Shark week (used to love this, now I hate this)

*101 Dalmatians

Also, I have something seriously against the 101 Dalmatian idea. Unless you have that many friends, you’re not doing to costume right. God, I can be such a hater. As for couples costumes....

Now listen, I’m not hating on the couples costumes because I’m a single, self loathing witch (debatable)- but because it’s impossible to take it seriously. If it’s clever and original or just plain funny, do it. But if it’s not, be prepared for tons of fake smiles, and eye rolls behind your backs! No one likes a played out couples costume, so ditch the idea.

If you lovebirds have your heart set on something, go for it! I mean, even if it’s not the most unique idea, don’t listen to me- you should probably go for it anyways. Something is always better than nothing; but if you and your entire crew or you and your other half can’t even manage to pull this together, well, uh… good luck to you.


Being festive as all hell (save!)

Okay, hear me out. I know there’s a lot of Internet smack talking about getting pumpkin lattes, apple picking, and pumpkin carving but I say screw it. As adults what do we even have to look forward to? If I can’t be obnoxiously excited about a bullshit holiday, than you can just pack me in now, my ride ends here. Sure, it might be in bad taste to dress up and go trick-or-treating, so that’s why as adults we’ve created all these desperate ploys to still celebrate. I mean, if I want to have 3 pumpkin martinis on a Wednesday night, you can bet your cobwebbed ass I am! Anyone that has a problem with it can take it up with me and Casper the friendly ghost, who are getting chocolaty wasted in the corner.

So here’s to another year of terrifying traditions and horrific habits. Above all guys: have fun, and be SAFE!

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5 Things You Figure Out by 25

This is not a drill. I REPEAT- this is not a freaking drill!

Guys, I've been writing content like this since I was twenty. Back then I thought I had it all figured out: party hard/work hard, hold your friends close but enemies closer, eat a pizza, even it out with the gym. You know, stuff like that. Had only I known back then what I know now. But listen, maybe we aren't supposed to know all of the tricks about growing up; we just have to live them first hand. Or maybe we do know and don't give a shit anyways! Okay, so, here we go...


1. Your future is looming over your head now more than ever


Do you finally have your dream job? Nope!
Are you at least making the money you need to survive the week? Also nope!


Don't panic. This is way more common than you think. 99.9% of you aren't working your dream job yet, and that's okay! What isn't okay is not having your tangible goals in front of you, or even in motion a tad bit. It's not the beginning of college anymore where you can switch majors ten times and still receive a pat on the back.

 If you can't sit down and map out a path towards what the next 5 years will look like maybe you should take a step back. Our creative juices and energy aren't getting any younger. Step it up.


2. Friends? New phone who dis?


I've always been someone to think of it as "once a friend always a friend". Especially towards the long time friendships I've held near and dear to my heart. After a few years of learning the tough way, I am now certain about the fact that a person can't go on holding others to the same standards when the results have changed. Honestly though, would you keep a mattress for 10+ years just because it used to be kickass? No, you wouldn't. So don't hold on to friends just because they used to be awesome, either. My Mom used to always tell me that as you get older you'll see who your real friends are, and it's true! Keep the negative energy out, and good energy in. Don't be afraid to cut someone out because they've been there for a while.


Snip snip, bitch.




3. Bad habits never die


This one probably hits home for most of you. By this point you've either tried to break the vicious cycles you've ensued on yourself for the past 25 years or you've just accepted it for what it is. This could really be anything.

 Perhaps you bite your nails, smoke cigarettes, cheat on your significant other, order McDonald's twice a week, store hot sauce in your purse (wait, is that even a bad habit?) For literally years you had different and painful learning experiences that should have hit that switch in your head telling yourself to knock it off. But you just can't do it. My dudes, you are getting older and supposedly wiser- kick the bad habit once and for all. You won't regret it.

*Notes my own advice and never uses it*



4. You are what you eat


Like...literally. Now this isn't about skinny or fat. This isn't about your friend that has been a size 0 since as long as she can remember or even your buddy who's always been a hefty size 12. 25 is FAIR GAME. This is when I noticed my metabolism going ballistic. Did that fry you ate yesterday already go to your thigh? Probably. Did that beer you just chugged already make its way to your gut? Certainly! Did that 3 week crash diet really change anything about your weight? Hell to the no! Start making genuinely good choices for your body. No such thing as diet, just a good lifestyle.  (side note: eat as many tacos as you want- that's always a good choice).


5. You can't party like a rock star anymore


...and you don't look like one anymore, either. Okay, when I was 17 I was like damn, I really don't want this to stop. Staying up late, experimenting with friends, letting the fun completely rule my life. Then I got to college... an entire new reason to binge without guilt. It was great while it lasted. By the time I got out, I tried to keep as much normalcy in my life as possible: drink right after work, go out every day of every weekend, blah blah blah. Welp, as the story goes I realized my body could still do it, it just really, really, REALLY didn't want to. The hangovers now hung over me, the dark circles never got lighter, and the hype of the bar just vanished (like everyone told me it would). Do you want to look like Lindsay Lohan in 2012? No. So sit your ass down and drink a water every once and a while.

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Valentines Day: From Just Plain Bad to Bad and Boujee

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You alone this year bitch what’s up!

Happy February guys. It’s that month that reminds you how alone you really are, or how disappointing your crap relationship actually is. If neither of those apply to you then I don’t know why you’re even reading this. Go watch Fifty Shades of Grey with your boyfriend or something.

Anyways, a few years ago I wrote an article on why V-Day sucks, but this year let’s talk about turning it around. Yeah, you could just ignore this horrid day like most single people try to do, but it’s pretty much unavoidable. Pink hearts on TV, the radio with cheesy ADS, I can’t even walk into CVS to get my damn face wash without being bombarded with a giant pink bear. When ignoring becomes less of an option, why not just embrace it?

1. The waiting game

As if that one day in itself isn’t frustrating enough, you have to wait the entire month to be asked out. Is he going to ask me? Will she already have plans? Newsflash: if you aren’t sure during the month of February if you will have a Valentine date, chances are you don’t. Chances are the dude is too nervous to ask (and who wants to deal with that) or he is just not that into you.

Now listen, men are not complex creatures. Us ladies are the mysteries. Guys are straight forward; if they want you, you will know. Like 100%. No room for confusion. Don’t let your best friend lie to you. He isn’t too busy to secure plans, you just aren’t the one he’s making plans with (side bitch alert!). Don’t wait around. And men: if the girl doesn’t seem like she could care less don’t stress over her either. She probably has guys lined up. Females can be tricky like that.

Make plans with your other single friends. Go get a drink. Go see a movie. Cry in your bed and watch Dirty Dancing. It doesn’t matter, just don’t wait around.

This year I only have two words: blackout Tuesday.

 

2. Gifts

Oh yes, the dreaded gifts. There really isn’t any way to buy something that’s not corny as hell. If it’s a new flame chocolates and (a giant pink stuffed bear) whatever else CVS wants to rob you of is probably the go-to. It’s the more solid relationships that can get complicated. I remember last Valentine’s Day my boyfriend at the time got me lingerie. I saw the frilly little box and ripped that shit open like it was Christmas morning. I pulled out the cutest bra and panty combo. They were really pretty. I was like aw, BABE! You picked this out!? He was all Yeah, babe. I did. All was well and good until I tried to try it on. I took one look at the tag. It was something like 30 C or something ridiculous like that. For anyone confused, this bra would be more appropriate for a Victoria Secret model. I guess my boyfriend at the time forgot he was dating a potato that’s shaped like a little boy. The dude took my bra of for like 2 years in a row and didn’t even know my size! It was a bummer because it was super cute.

Rumor has it he wants to give it to a new girl in the future because he couldn’t return it. Bro, if you find a girl that fits into that I am seriously proud of you.

Girls with stupendous racks: 1,000,000

Me: 0

 

Ladies, TREAT YO SELF. We don’t need a guy to do what we do best, anyways: shopping

 

3. For the guys

I don’t particularly want to bash on men this entire post because truth be told there are some truly great guys out there who want to take a girl out or maybe see if their dream girl is seriously taken. Just a warning, this month can cause a serious complex for some females. *Not all just some*. If a girl has been ignoring you literally all year and #wastinghistime20-whateverthefuck- don’t even bother. Don’t waste your sweet time. All this girl is looking for is a cute picture to put on Insta to prove she’s not miserable and alone.

Like I said, it’s on a Tuesday this year anyways. Go fill your time with whatever you dudes do. Hang out with your friends. Go play some video games or eat a burger or some shit. But do not, and I mean DO NOT catch yourself dead texting your ex. Yeah, you know that ex I’m talking about. She’s waiting on that regretful text like the brain ninja that she is.

 

4. The aftermath

Before you know it the day will be over, and everyone will be continuing on with their normal lives, well aware of where they stand with whomever. Humpday will emerge and you will be making weekend plans. No need to feel bad about all of the candy you ate. In fact, good old CVS will have an entire section of candy 50% off. Buy some for yourself, stash it in your room and eat it until you can’t anymore. Ladies and gentlemen please take this opportunity as a new slate. Find fresh people that you click with, or continue that journey of being by yourself (there is nothing better than some alone time). Why run on the same old hamster wheel? Before you know it the weekend will arrive and you will have fellow singles running the streets eager to mingle. Why feel sorry for yourself when you don’t have to?

 

In conclusion: do not wait around. Make plans of your own.

Do not fret about all of those love-birds on social media. Go buy yourself something you actually want.

Do not let that special person string you along. You’re a strong independent man/woman and you don’t need no run around!

Oh, and do not puke from all of the chocolate you’re about to eat. Actually, go ahead. Knock yourself out.

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