When it's okay to be selfish AF

I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and she was asking why it’s so frowned upon to be selfish. At first I figured the answer was obvious: we should be considerate of other peoples feelings. She said, "Well, I am already considerate of peoples feelings but how come I always have to do that if they aren't considerate back?" Touché. Why is it that we can't put aside other peoples feelings for our own? In fact why is it sometimes not even expected?! Let us take a closer look at the meaning of the word.

 

selfish; adjective

1.      (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Essentially since we were in diapers we are coached to avoid being selfish and to acknowledge other people’s feelings. We are expected to help others save face and to even to put our feelings aside to spare someone else’s. Sure this ties in with the grand scheme of having manners but when is it okay to put ourselves first? Surely there must be a time for that! We can’t possibly be expected to push all of our inner desires and feelings aside all the time, are we? No need to bring it to that extreme Alicia, the adults never said that. Well I don’t remember the talk after the selfish discussion that drilled into our susceptible minds that sometimes being selfish is the only way to grow and move forward. Sometimes we have to be “concerned chiefly with one’s personal gain” and growth… what the hell is so wrong with that?  Below I have laid out some examples of when it is okay to be selfish AF.

 

Relationships:

When the relationship is fucking garbage. Here you probably are, running around messing with all of the strong, competent and amazing aspects of your personality to please someone else. That someone else just keeps taking and taking and taking; and you my friend… you keep giving and giving and giving. I have seen some of my smartest and most level headed girlfriends change everything from their hair color to what they do for fun to get closer to their significant other. It isn’t pretty. Here you two are, fighting like cats and dogs, and when the fighting is over? Well you’re still giving them 90% and they are cruising by with a maximum of 10% effort.

 Now I get it, everyone has their days and it is vital to pick someone up during those bad times but for goodness sake realize when you’re being used like a cheap doormat. Be selfish, pull yourself out of this shit show and be on your own for a while. Find yourself. Don’t worry about someone asking where you are when you’ll be back why you acted like that. We go through years of conditioning that tells us to protect other people’s feelings but when do we begin to protect our own?

 

Leaving your job:

           

This one hits home for me personally. I’ve really liked some of my jobs I’ve walked away from in the past, and really loved the people I worked with or for. It’s odd because you feel this insane feeling of deception. Whether you like it or not, your job/career is a huge part of your life. You spend about 40 hours a week there which is probably more time than you spend with your loved ones. When I left my restaurant job to pursue my first career move I felt like a double-dealing cheating sellout. They needed me (not really). They couldn’t function without me (they were just fine). They could never replace me (all of my coworkers took my good shifts like vultures). Anyways, I knew that no matter how painful it was to leave, I had to look toward my blossoming future. I’m actually on my second ‘adult’ job and leaving my first ‘adult’ job was just as painful. But if you don’t take your destiny by the hair who will?

 

Mental and physical health:

 

            Do any of you guys have friends in your lives who seem to always be pressuring you? Because I swear to God I have been cursed with friends whom I love, but these same people talk me into anything and everything I don’t want to do. Just drank and puked in a bush 4 hours ago? Let’s get mimosas! Just got over a cold? Let’s go ice skating! No money? Let’s get our nails done! Going with the flow isn’t always the best option (although many would say I’m not exactly the ‘going with the flow’ type) sometimes you have to realize when you are mentally and physically drained. Say no. Be selfish. Lay in bed. TAKE A NAP. Tell your friend to take a hike. Ignore all responsibilities and binge watch Netflix for 3 days straight. No actually- don’t do that. Sorry I’m getting carried away here.

 

This list of when it is okay to be selfish could probably go on forever. I could write and write and write and push these ideas into your head. The bottom line is sometimes we exert so much energy into other people. Too much energy into other people. It’s not only harmful to you but to your personal evolution. I’m 24 and I am just now learning when to put myself first. I am just now learning when to love myself, pamper myself and do things for just myself. I’ve never been this happy and that’s the honest to God truth. So although it’s important to be selfless sometimes- don’t forget it’s okay to be selfish sometimes too.

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CHEMISTRY: why it's not even close to enough

In my own personal experience I have seen a definite change in the quality of love I am yearning for. In all seriousness, there are probably a million sappy posts online that try to capture the idea to never settle, or to always follow your gut, blah blah blah. Well, yeah…duh. But can we really write it all off on chemistry at this age or what is meant to be? Probably not, because as we start to get older who we will be for the rest of our lives truly begins to develop, and crappy relationships follow with it until we hit our own personal love jack pot.

                Sure, you’re a hot, vivacious, stupefying bachelor/bachelorette and deserve the very best (of course). However, no matter how many unsuccessful relationships you endure you can’t automatically be inclined to view it as infra dig. Not every guy that breaks your heart is too good for you, and you aren’t too good for every guy that you dump on his ass. You both just have two different flames about you- two different sources of happiness- two different things that make you tick. No, I’m not referring to the fact that you want a diamond ring and he wants to see strippers asses bounce at the strip club on Thursday nights (may luck be with you if this is the case) but other differences that we write off as not-a-big-deal because of the overwhelming chemistry we feel for our partner and our overwhelming need to connect with them. Well that fiery chemistry you feel won’t last forever, and if you both have total different ambitions that chemistry might only hold you together for about a year.

                So what type of contrast am I truly talking about? Well, ambitions is a huge one. If you’re a young gal in her 20’s like myself- divergence in ambitions could be the biggest red flag yet. Need examples? On one side of the spectrum we have a couple who share that common spark of interests. Let’s use my cousin who lives in DC to analyze (sorry girl). She absolutely loves her job, like actually loves it (yeah, one of those people).  Long story short she essentially directs videos for a Libertarian Organization. Her counterpart also loves what he does, which is writing and reporting. If you’re thinking Well Alicia, they have different ambitions like you said, they will never last! – Then you have not been paying attention as well as I was hoping. They are both passionate about work, and how accomplishing things in that area of their lives makes them feel- this is common among them. So when my cousin walks in and says, “Babe, look at the footage that we were able to snag today!” they can bond about this because they can both relate to this sort of elation.

                On the other side of the spectrum we can see how different types of drive can cause a clear disconnect. I will use myself as an example for this one. I’ve had this issue with many of my exes, and it doesn’t mean that I am better than any of them like I mentioned before- we just have different things that light our fires. In college I was an avid writer for my University website, I also drafted and carried out my own speeches for my school Speech and Debate team. I would proudly discuss each tiny accomplishment I felt after finishing an article, winning a competition etc. I would be beaming. Can I tell you it was like pulling teeth to have this guy read what I put out or listen to me practice my delivery (My speech was pretty kickass by the way and the topic was fabulously interesting as well.) He would barely able to keep focus or act interested. Not completely anyone’s fault- we just cared about different stuff! He was into working making quick, good money and having a good time with friends and family (nothing wrong with that!) but I was sick of feeling so drained and disconnected to someone I shared chemistry with so I forced myself to connect on different levels: Oh l planned a great party/ Oh I heard of this great bar/ Oh lets go do something new. I was left unhappy. I wanted to talk books, technique, and life after college. (Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed a stiff drink then and I do now- but you get the point).

                Chemistry is a very tricky thing don’t you know. I’ve seen it blind friends time and time again. When you’re younger it’s like…What else is there to put into perspective? Chemistry and love is all that matters. Well as we grow older we need to start looking for someone who carries that spark like we do. Someone who gets excited about the same stuff that we do. Someone who listens and cares about the stuff we have to say because they honestly are interested. Yeah, chemistry should be there (it would feel strange if it wasn’t in the mix completely) but try to focus on the fact that you and this person are going to have to float on more than good chemistry. Find the common interests, find what makes you tick and the rest will come. [WARNING: this advice is not applicable for hook-ups, one night stands or friends-with-benefits. Let that chemistry flag fly, girl].

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Dating in college

Ah yes, the all dreaded dating. When you’re dating around it always seems so hard, and looks like it is so easy for your peers. When you are in a relationship it seems like the rest of the world is having so much fun being single, and when you are single you feel lonely as a son of a bitch! Confusing, right? Throughout life this frustrating pattern will keep up for the most part, the only thing that really changes is the environment you are immersed in. So what about dating in one of the most diverse environments of all time: college. Aside from all of that learning and personal growth stuff you ultimately signed up for, having a good time has to get thrown in the mix somewhere. Here are some “truths” about dating in college

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Dormcest: For those of you who can’t put these two concepts together “dormcest” refers to two students hooking up that reside in the same dormitory. Initially the idea might seem really tempting: you’re finally done with an all weekend bender and you can flop into bed just a few steps away from your comfort zone with a cutie. Don’t get it twisted though, this situation can turn sour fast. If you don’t want to commit to this person and they start to get attached this could be absolute sabotage for future hook ups you bring around. Or potentially worse, you run into one of their new hook ups once you start to catch feelings. Ouch.

 

Dating apps: It’s 2016 and technology is everywhere. Most of us have made the leap to online dating. Some of us at least have the apps even if we just screw around with them. Well, just like “real-life-dating” or RLD it’s vital to be first and foremost safe. It’s easy to find a cutie that you want to link up with, but just because Tinder says he goes to your school and has a killer body doesn’t mean that you can meet up at the end of a party street at 3:30 in the morning. Wait, what? Yeah, people do this and it can put you in a sticky situation. JUST BE SMART! Meet up in groups, or somewhere like a dining hall. Do I sound dull? Probably… but get over it.

 

Don’t judge a book by its cover: College is certainly the time I realized you shouldn’t judge someone based on looks alone, because looks aren’t going to make you laugh or grow or buy you a Mcdouble after you drink your face off. The guy eating his taco Tuesday meal by himself could be a winner, and winners don’t always need to surround themselves with flocks of people (or hot girls?). Smart is the new sexy and active mates are something you should hold onto because people tend to get super lazy after high school. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to ignore the hunk in your marketing class just because of some new found sense of virtue, but keep an open mind!

 

Don’t kiss and tell: Once you get to college you are able to start a clean slate and leave all of the high school drama behind. However, this new clean slate will get dirty eventually. Just like high school, your fresh drama will surely follow you the next four years in university. If you’re actively dating you should keep some information to yourself because no matter how old you are you will continue to be judged. It’s okay to not care to a certain point but don’t make the same mistakes twice.

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