Why my Samsung Galaxy is better than a boyfriend

            My first time was scary. I was unsure if this was what I really wanted, my heart said yes but my head said no. All of my girlfriends barely had experience with it, so I knew when I did it they would expect me to report to them.  I look up, and he asks me, “Are you sure?” I reply, “I think I’m ready.” Next thing I know the deed is done. I walk out, and cannot stop smiling.

            Get your heads out of the gutters guys; I’m talking about switching to the Samsung Galaxy s4. I was hesitant about switching from the iPhone, but it was the best choice I could have made for myself (in cell phone World, at least). Now this is no promotional post for the phone (maybe after I get more experience in, I have only had it for several days) but having this top of the line product opened up my eyes to something: I think my cell phone is literally better than having a boyfriend. In fact he (Samsung) is my new boyfriend. Yeah I know, I know there are some glitches with that theory that come to mind when you first hear it but let me explain myself.

1.     He does what I say:

Unlike those pesky “real life” boyfriends Samsung actually does what I say, when I say it. Hell, that in itself is enough to sell me! No more saying, “hey babe…would you mind doing blah blah blah…” and having your boyfriend do, well, the opposite. 

This is not only frustrating but a vicious cycle. I find myself going from asking in a calm relaxed manner to forcing my voice to go about 12 octaves higher just so he will get off his lazy ass and do what I so politely ask! With Samsung, all I have to do is touch the voice control and bam; he does what I want when I want it.

2.     He doesn’t make me feel like a basic bitch:

Sick of hearing your boyfriends say, “My ex used to do this/my ex used to say that/my ex is a crazy bitch…” Okay, I GET IT. You’ve had a million girlfriends and you want them to all seem like crazy Plain Jane types of chicks. Well what does that make me? Just another number most likely, another notch in your belt or whatever. Samsung fills this void in my life simply by existing in my hands. Every girl in the world has an iPhone, and its awesome hearing “what kind of phone is that, its awesome." Yes, it’s new, different and totally me.

3.We look good together:

I’m sorry, I mean great together. He is impressive in size and shape (this is more than I can say for most of my ex boyfriends.) Yeah, some bitches might say he’s a little big but they are probably just jealous. To each is own, right? Besides, who could resist his sleek sexy screen? Also, with “real life” boyfriends they never listen to what you say in terms of what they should wear when you go out. But Samsung doesn’t just let me buy his clothes for him but choose which event he will wear them to! FINALLY someone is listening to my innate fashion sense. It’s raining and you want to wear shorts? You are an idiot. With Samsung I just slip on the protective case and bam! Argument over.

4. I know just the right buttons to push:

There might be nothing worse than when a stupid guy that you are dating treats you look absolute shit (causing you to be a psycho bitch) and when you do flip out, they seem unamused. Uhm, HELLO, I am not only clapping my hands and yelling in your face, but threatening your very existence and you can't even look up?! Get mad, argue back, anything! No problem here with Samsung though. I know just the right buttons to push when I want him to fall asleep, to shut the hell up for a second, even when I want him to be playful. With Samsung you will never find yourself looking for a reaction again! You know exactly what to expect (genius).

5. We are committed:

When I signed my soul on the dotted line on that wonderful day I knew what I was getting myself into. Usually most girls can’t say the same about the guys they decide to commit to.  You take a chance, feel the rush. Well here is a little secret: that ‘rush’ is actually stupidity and you should really look into it. Samsung loves me, and even better I know the only one that is dumping anyone in this relationship is me. 

If I decide I want him gone earlier than my contract because he is really driving me up the walls then fine. It’s going to be worth the $100 to never see his no good face ever again.

6. I don’t chase em, I replace em HAAAAN:

No but seriously, I replace em. You can’t technically do that with a living-breathing boyfriend. You can try, but there is no guarantee. And lets face it, us females are all about sure things. You have a low down good for nothin’ lying cheating SOB man in your life and finally dump his ass, then what? Honey, you aren’t replacing shit, in fact the closest you’ll get will be going to the club and wake up the next morning having even less respect for yourself than you did in the first place. However, with Samsung if I even get a little fed up with his antics I can simply walk into the place we met (icing on the cake) and literally replace him, with any phone in the whole store. And oh yeah, there is nothing he can do about it.

You Get What You Attract

Post Valentine’s Day blues anybody? I feel as if the days that slowly fall into place after the dreaded holiday itself might be worse than February14^th is. At least on the holiday you can keep yourself busy, and even have a sense of independence …but after that strange adrenaline rush you may feel like you are back to square one. I guess in this case “square one” is just plain old you going back to your plain old life doing the same plain old shit.

            Listen, Valentine’s Day is flat out not what its cracked up to be, but that particular day of the year isn’t the thing you are missing out on. There is no stronger drug than love (don’t worry I’m not getting sappy). The day after V Day should be national “Figure out what the hell is wrong with you and get your ass on the playing field Day”.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, and maybe you find yourself hoping some of those fishies with notice you once in a while.

 But here you are, being some trashy fish that likes to smoke seaweed all day and be a lazy ass in the chorale reefs and your standards nothing less than a hot ass tropical fish who spends their days being productive doing fish-like things.

            So I may or may not have gone overboard with that analogy, but hopefully you clever fish know what I mean: YOU GET WHAT YOU ATTRACT. Seriously, maybe you’re alone because you are over here with no ambitions, a bad attitude and can barely take care of yourself and all you are willing to settle for is some Victoria Secret model or Channing Tatum look-alike. Get with the freakin’ program people. Wake up boys; don’t be thrashing on a chick because she doesn’t look good in yoga pants when you look like a prepubescent child in your undershirt. Who are you to talk?

            Now don’t misconstrue this article, because opposites can attract, that’s not what this is about. And of course, there are exceptions to every situation, but keep in mind, there is a better chance of you building a time machine and actually landing a Valentine’s Day date than you being that exception. Get over it.

            Harsh words from a harsh girl I guess? No, I just speak from experience. I remember when I was a 17 year old terror I could never figure out why I wasn’t getting the guys I actually wanted. There I was skipping school, going to after hour’s clubs and overall just not giving a crap about my future. Yet somehow I wanted like, the hottest football player God could offer or something. How could someone like that be attracted to something like me? All I was getting was attention from club rats and bad boys, and eventually I thought that was just the way it was supposed to be.

            Thank the LORD (or college) that I managed to grow up and get at least some of my priorities in check. I started to notice that as I evolved as a person and set goals for myself, and kept myself busy and a smile on my face all these guys started flocking in. I mean lets not get it twisted, I indeed spent the holidays alone but that’s not the big picture. If you want to be with someone else, you might want to work on yourself a little bit. Inside and out. Work out sometime, do homework early, EDUCATE YOURSELF for Christ sake. It doesn’t have to be school but you can’t be bumming around all day with no purpose.

            Great advice I was once given was to ask myself, “Would you date yourself?” Because it’s like, when you date someone you are kind of in their little world when it’s the two of you. Do you want to be stuck with someone that’s miserable, whiny and potentially going nowhere? No you want someone that’s fun, has good conversation, and is constantly reaching for a goal of some sort. I’m not saying you need to try to make yourself a cheerleader to be with the football player (although that’s a suspiciously accurate cliché) but do not expect that your good looks can get you everywhere when it comes to love or that mumbo jumbo. If you are looking for someone that carries them selves in a certain way and you just don’t have it together, no one wants to be with that. You get what you attract.

5 Things You Don’t Realize Until its Too Late

            There are hundreds of factors that contribute towards ones life running smoothly. Things do indeed just fall in place sometimes, but only a fool relies on this during their journey towards success or happiness. You need to stay conscious and aware of the choices you make every day (what a drag) in order to stay on the right road to be where you want to be. Well people it’s 2014, and although many of us try to make steps to move forward, most of us simply do not have time to focus on the progress or lack there of in relation to our lives. Now I am not saying we aren’t trying to be successful, but God we suck at multitasking, or keeping track of things we claim are important to us…And sometimes, we don’t realize this type of stuff until its far too late.

1.   You’re getting fat

Life is moving faster than lightening and in between your never ending school work, shitty paying job, and those minimal hours you have left for sleep your eating habits are not really up to par with what you had hoped for yourself this new year. Seriously, McDonalds might be bad for you, but you don’t even have time to grab a salad from some other poor excuse for healthy eating like that local sub shop down the street. I know I personally never realize I am becoming a beached wale until my work pants start feeling tight or my going out college pictures make me want to hide under my covers for the rest of eternity. I have a gym membership and I do not go nearly enough. There is always an excuse, and it is always a bunch of crap.

 One summer you are in a skimpy bikini, and the next that same bikini doesn’t fit you the same at all. TRUST me, once you reach your healthy ideal weight stick with it. It is so much harder to lose weight rather than stay in the shape you’re already in.

2.    You drank too much

Remember that long shitty week I was just talking about? Well now its Saturday night and you have no papers, work shifts, or any form of responsibility to think about. In fact the only thing you can think about is the pay check you just got and how you need to spend it. You and your friends pregame at your apartment with some Blue Moons and a celebratory shot before you walk to the trashy bar down the street. You wait in line for a little and finally you guys are in.  Now it’s like a race of who can get the bartenders attention first so you can just get a damn drink and enjoy the show.

 That first drink goes down fast, and by your fourth drink your asking your buddies why you haven’t all taken those cheap ass Jell-O shots they are selling in the corner. The rest is kind of a blur, and your head is suddenly in a toilet that isn’t even yours. The biggest cliché about college students is that we binge drink, but holy hell, this day and age we take it to a new and somewhat evolved level. We drink too much every night and never learn our lesson. Moderation is key, water is key, staying away from $1 shots is key.

3.    You should have studied harder

With each semester comes a different breed of excuses as to why you’re not going to your classes or not caring. First semester it’s nothing less than gorgeous out and you are rekindling with all of your old friends from last year. “Why not skip today and relax outside”. Yea I’ve heard that one too many times. Or how about second semester when you stupidly signed up for an 8 am and it’s a blizzard outside? You can bet your ass most students roll over and fall back asleep when their alarm goes off. It all seems minimal at the time, and hey, this isn’t high school. Aren’t you like, aloud to skip in college?

 You’ll be changing your tune when the big test comes around and you freeze up. There is nothing worse than getting a test back that everyone at least pulled a 70 on and you are sitting there with a solid 55.  It catches up with students fast. I know I have served my time with this mistake after a certain science class, and I will tell ya…GO TO CLASS. Get over the weather, get over the hang over. You guys will thank me for this someday (maybe).

4.   The one that got away

Anyone that is reading this probably thought of someone the second they read this heading. Whether you love them, hate them, miss them, or want them to burn in the hot intensity of 1,000 suns, they still came to mind. When you are with someone, especially at this young age you tend to take advantage of him or her. Not necessarily in the conventional way, but maybe in terms of knowing they will be there no matter what. Or maybe in terms of knowing how strongly you feel about them, but you want to see what else is out there. Isn't it a thing that there are other fish in the sea?

Now, I firmly believe in searching for what makes you happy until you find it, but you can’t really succeed in this until you make peace with what you are letting go in order to take these steps. You might think that you want something more or different when in reality you can find a new fling every hour of every day but the problem could be you. The saying “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone” stays relevant in all aspects of life. Appreciate what you have, or realize that what you have is not what you really want. But enough of this lovey-dovey bullshit.

5.     Your car is on the fritz

So maybe you’ve been a tad bit busy. Maybe you’ve had a lot of bills to pay for. Maybe your schoolwork has been piling up lately. Maybe you’ve been working a lot of doubles since you opened up your availability. Here’s the thing: If your car lights up with anything, you get it checked out immediately. My mother always said, “Your car and your health, two things you don’t mess around with.” If you sense something is wrong with your car, get it checked out. For example, my car said check coolant for 2 weeks. I kept saying I would get around to it. Your car does not care about your busy life, or latest drama…when it’s broken that’s IT. I was on my way to work one day and bam; I’m broken down on the side of the road. Thank the lord for AAA, but I really hated my life for a quick three days while my car was in the shop getting fixed. Had I just dealt with my car troubles right away, I would be sitting pretty in my Ford Escort 97 (or something like that.) DON’T WAIT TIL IT’S TOO LATE.

I get it, life is fast paced and we aren’t friggan magicians over here staying on top of everything that life throws at us. But it is vital to realize some things that you put to the side feel almost irreversible once they come to a head. Believe me, it takes way less effort to roll with the punches of life as they come to you rather than dig yourself in a hole you can’t get out of. “Life sucks, get a helmet”. Or a routine, or a reminder on your cell phone. Trust me on this one.

The Greater Evil

                     Recently I was having a conversation about the dating world with one of my female friends who happens to be bisexual. She was showing me a conversation that she was having with a female who just would not leave her the hell alone. Numerous text messages, Facebook messages and even Snapchats were sent and no matter how hard my friend tried to pull away from this chick she just would not get the hint. I jokingly said, “I thought men were bad…I was considering turning lesbian but now I’m not so sure.”

            She laughed at this and went on to say that dating girls isn’t really bad at all, and that there are good and bad sides to it, but isn’t that the same thing for guys? “Guys are douche bags, that’s their thing. Girls are crazy, and that’s their thing.” After she said this and the conversation died out it led me to a lot of thinking, mostly in terms of who is actually worse: girls or guys?

            Now I know, I’m a female so it might seem like its all girl power over here but that isn’t the case. Although I would usually be on Team Crazy instead of Team Douche I really wanted to dissect both sides so it would be fair. Guys are a pain in the ass but girls are no walk in the park either.

Situation number one:

Ahhh yes, it’s your three year anniversary and you and your mate practically live together and could not be more comfortable with one another. Rent sort of blows so the two of you agree that you are not going to get each other anything this year.

v Team Douche Bag: This fool is not trying to read in between the lines with this one. You both said you weren’t going to get each other anything, and he actually doesn’t. So let me get this straight… you are so damn cheap (or ignorant) that when your girl said she doesn’t want anything, you take that opportunity to get her literally nothing. Does the girl drink coffee? Does she tan? Gift certificates go a long way! Now in a dream world girls would say what they mean, and mean what they say but it is the first cardinal friggin rule that if a chick says “No babe, you don’t have to get me anything” that does not mean follow through with that. For heaven sake though, a Happy Anniversary card and a little something would do! In conclusion if you got her nothing, later in bed you’ll be receiving nothing. It’s not brain surgery.

v Team Crazy Bitch: So even though it has been decided that there will be no gifts this year the average female takes this idea and twists it like a Bop-It. She won’t even have a reason to go to the mall but she will make one up so she will just-so-happen to run into a gift for her man that “she just couldn’t not get for him.” So you’re telling me you went to the mall for a new belly button ring and walked out with a $200 speaker system for your boyfriend because “you just couldn’t not get it for him.” Yup, you’re freaking nuts. So now you want to give this gratuitous gift to him on your anniversary, and if he doesn’t return the favor he’s the biggest jerk on planet Earth? It’s fine, I’m sure he bought you something really nice even though you said “no gifts”…

Situation number two:

            Cheating seems to be everywhere you look these days. When did it become cool to be a player and uncool to love and protect your other half? I suppose this transition took place years ago, and its not always easy to weed out a good girl or good guy anymore. What happens once we get caught though?

v Team Douche Bag: Liar liar pants on fire. Or maybe if you kept your pants on you wouldn’t have to lie in the first place, but this seems to be a mans first reaction upon being caught. Now from my understanding it’s not just simply because guys are lying, cheating, low down, good for nothing type of people. It’s surprisingly much more than that. A guy would rather jump off a bridge than make a girl cry. It makes them wildly uncomfortable, and there is no faster track to making your girlfriend cry than to tell her you made out with some ratchet girl at the dive bar a few weeks ago. So you get caught and lie until your face turns blue. Stop taking the easy way out and man up and admit to what you have done. Us females are like goddamn detectives, and the truth will always come out.

v Team Crazy Bitch: Not too much denial on this side. Maybe a little if we think we are going to get away with it, but we most likely can’t handle keeping something so horrible inside of us for too long so we just let it out. The good thing about girls is that we will almost right away ‘fess up. However when we do we break out a tactic (that really isn’t fair) such as water works and countless and irrelevant excuses. “Well, I…I sobbing felt so insecure because you said that sobbing… your ex texted you and…and it happened so fast I didn’t meeeeaaaan it. I was drunk bay…baby” sobbing elevates.

            So in general this means literally nothing, but with your eyes filling up, and somehow making your boyfriend look like he’s the bad guy you think you might actually get away with this. That’s messed up. Seriously. If you cheat you should probably not only not be the one crying, but you shouldn’t be coming up with these bizarre excuses that have no connection to you texting some random from your classes and then meeting up with him at a party. Girl you knew what you were getting yourself into. It is your fault. Stop being so crazy and own up to it!

Situation number three:

            It’s an unwritten fact that a person’s true self comes out when they are angry. You find yourself being unfiltered and the gloves are off when you’re pissed. When you and your lover are in a fight this side of you is unleashed, but what about when you two decide to go on a break? Yup, at this point the relationship is at its worst and “needing your space” is just the beginning. When you are on a break with your guy or girl, the real you comes out.

v   Team Douche Bag: Finally! You got over the stage where you are mourning the idea of your hot ass ex girlfriend at the club grinding on some bar slime and are ready to get even. Okay, so you don’t actually know if that’s what she’s doing, but why chance it? You get all of your friends over your apartment and let it be known that you are single and ready to mingle (i.e. get smashed and, uhm…get smashed).  The crew is riled up and your off to so some trashy bar down the street that your ex never wanted you at in the first place. 

At this point you feel more alive than you ever have in your life and the goal is to find a dime piece in this p.o.s bar (good luck). Little do you know sleeping with that girl that looks like an 8 when your cocked, and a 6 when your sober won’t actually get you over the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Never the less, your positive she’s doing the same thing right now anyways.

v Team Crazy Bitch: It’s week three and you are still morbidly depressed. Your girlfriends tried to get you out of the house but you could barely make it past the drive way. All you do is check your iPhone, your Facebook and even your Snapchat but there is no sign of the one that got away. Well, that might be an over statement but he was with you for kind of a while, so there’s only one more thing to do. Stalk. Yea, you have become a fucking stalker. Even seeing a girl liking ex-douche-canoes status from 5 weeks ago could be evidence. You carefully spy through all of his shit until you realize you aren’t reaching any conclusions except he is a bigger piece of shit than you thought before. This in itself is insane. Why do we tourture ourselves as girls and do this? Get it together and go out! If your too upset to pull that much off get your ass to the gym, clean the house…shit go sit at the bar by yourself like a freak for all I care. Anything, and I mean anything is better than stalking your ex. He was a pansy ass anyways.

            It took me a while to write this blog, and believe me when I say I seriously thought when I finished this post I would have a solid answer I truly mean it. At first I said that guys natural ability to be jerks is so much worse than us girls being bat shit crazy. Then I decided that guys can be jerks, but at least they aren’t delusional like females. Now I am at the conclusion that we are different species, and cannot be compared. I say this because you will never see a girl truly manifested as a douche bag, or a guy truly manifested as a crazy bitch. Its not who we are people! With each you got to take the good with the bad. As the wise George Carlin once said, ““Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”