So, I suspect the best way to preface this article is to
bring to light that I used to be decently fat as a child. I have always
struggled with my weight, even when I was at my smallest. I knew I was chubby
when I started cheerleading in 3rd grade. I was the only kid that
barely fit in a size large, and couldn’t do a cartwheel (I will confess that
that probably had nothing to do with me being fat, just pathetically
unathletic). Anyways, I’d watch all the girls tumbling around with these tiny
hips and I’d just be kind of picking at the grass wishing I wasn’t there.
I
thinned out a lot as I hit middle school, and by my senior year of high school I
was unrecognizably skinny. Low and behold, college has put me back in my place
with all of the partying, sleeping in late and study snacks. Needless to say
this has driven me crazy. It’s not just a struggle, but a cycle:
1.
The whispering
You guys know what I mean, the “ohhh’s” the “ahhh’s”.
The “you look so great” or “have you lost weight?” You mind as well have it tattooed
on your forehead that you’ve lost or gained fat because everyone is inquiring
about it. Not to mention the look on people’s faces when you gained some noticeable
pounds.
That, “too bad, she looked so good thin” stares. People just keep
pointing out your physical health, and it’s starting to strain on your mental.
2.
You never fully see your body for what it is
Even when you are at your skinniest
you barely realize it. It’s the idea of how you might see someone every day, so
you are less apt to see their overall changes over a month or so. It’s the same
thing with your own self. You look at yourself daily, so you can’t really see the
weight loss or gain, you can only feel it. This can especially suck if you
really are thinning out, because when you look in the mirror all you see is
your “problem areas”. You just won’t take anyone’s word for it when they say
you look great.
3.
You can never be quite sure if you’ll be skinny
again
This yo-yo weight shit isn’t like…on
a timer or anything. It’s not like every year on the year you’re like “Oh
goodie! Time for my new hot bod, just in time for summer!” Nope, on the
contrary, you feel like you’ll be fat forever. You don’t know how you lost 12
pounds last semester, you just remember you did. And now, there’s no end in sight! Every picture from recently is cringe
worthy, and all of your old skinny pics feel like a goddamn sham! You endlessly
obsess over what you weighed last month and tell yourself with a little hard
work you’ll feel better (hint: it takes A LOT of hard work to change a lifestyle because diets aren’t real.)
4.
Your EFFING wardrobe
Ahhh yes, the dreaded closet. You haven’t
worn your festive crop tops since Nam and your white American Eagle jeans have
become Enemy #1. It might not be your old small clothes that seal the deal for
you but the new bulky ones. The size up on your tags is a confidence crusher,
and your yoga pants are already getting worn out. It becomes your fucking
mission to fit into your summer shorts, but until then, you’ll be rocking your
10th sundress this week.
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