When it's okay to be selfish AF

I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and she was asking why it’s so frowned upon to be selfish. At first I figured the answer was obvious: we should be considerate of other peoples feelings. She said, "Well, I am already considerate of peoples feelings but how come I always have to do that if they aren't considerate back?" Touché. Why is it that we can't put aside other peoples feelings for our own? In fact why is it sometimes not even expected?! Let us take a closer look at the meaning of the word.

 

selfish; adjective

1.      (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Essentially since we were in diapers we are coached to avoid being selfish and to acknowledge other people’s feelings. We are expected to help others save face and to even to put our feelings aside to spare someone else’s. Sure this ties in with the grand scheme of having manners but when is it okay to put ourselves first? Surely there must be a time for that! We can’t possibly be expected to push all of our inner desires and feelings aside all the time, are we? No need to bring it to that extreme Alicia, the adults never said that. Well I don’t remember the talk after the selfish discussion that drilled into our susceptible minds that sometimes being selfish is the only way to grow and move forward. Sometimes we have to be “concerned chiefly with one’s personal gain” and growth… what the hell is so wrong with that?  Below I have laid out some examples of when it is okay to be selfish AF.

 

Relationships:

When the relationship is fucking garbage. Here you probably are, running around messing with all of the strong, competent and amazing aspects of your personality to please someone else. That someone else just keeps taking and taking and taking; and you my friend… you keep giving and giving and giving. I have seen some of my smartest and most level headed girlfriends change everything from their hair color to what they do for fun to get closer to their significant other. It isn’t pretty. Here you two are, fighting like cats and dogs, and when the fighting is over? Well you’re still giving them 90% and they are cruising by with a maximum of 10% effort.

 Now I get it, everyone has their days and it is vital to pick someone up during those bad times but for goodness sake realize when you’re being used like a cheap doormat. Be selfish, pull yourself out of this shit show and be on your own for a while. Find yourself. Don’t worry about someone asking where you are when you’ll be back why you acted like that. We go through years of conditioning that tells us to protect other people’s feelings but when do we begin to protect our own?

 

Leaving your job:

           

This one hits home for me personally. I’ve really liked some of my jobs I’ve walked away from in the past, and really loved the people I worked with or for. It’s odd because you feel this insane feeling of deception. Whether you like it or not, your job/career is a huge part of your life. You spend about 40 hours a week there which is probably more time than you spend with your loved ones. When I left my restaurant job to pursue my first career move I felt like a double-dealing cheating sellout. They needed me (not really). They couldn’t function without me (they were just fine). They could never replace me (all of my coworkers took my good shifts like vultures). Anyways, I knew that no matter how painful it was to leave, I had to look toward my blossoming future. I’m actually on my second ‘adult’ job and leaving my first ‘adult’ job was just as painful. But if you don’t take your destiny by the hair who will?

 

Mental and physical health:

 

            Do any of you guys have friends in your lives who seem to always be pressuring you? Because I swear to God I have been cursed with friends whom I love, but these same people talk me into anything and everything I don’t want to do. Just drank and puked in a bush 4 hours ago? Let’s get mimosas! Just got over a cold? Let’s go ice skating! No money? Let’s get our nails done! Going with the flow isn’t always the best option (although many would say I’m not exactly the ‘going with the flow’ type) sometimes you have to realize when you are mentally and physically drained. Say no. Be selfish. Lay in bed. TAKE A NAP. Tell your friend to take a hike. Ignore all responsibilities and binge watch Netflix for 3 days straight. No actually- don’t do that. Sorry I’m getting carried away here.

 

This list of when it is okay to be selfish could probably go on forever. I could write and write and write and push these ideas into your head. The bottom line is sometimes we exert so much energy into other people. Too much energy into other people. It’s not only harmful to you but to your personal evolution. I’m 24 and I am just now learning when to put myself first. I am just now learning when to love myself, pamper myself and do things for just myself. I’ve never been this happy and that’s the honest to God truth. So although it’s important to be selfless sometimes- don’t forget it’s okay to be selfish sometimes too.

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CHEMISTRY: why it's not even close to enough

In my own personal experience I have seen a definite change in the quality of love I am yearning for. In all seriousness, there are probably a million sappy posts online that try to capture the idea to never settle, or to always follow your gut, blah blah blah. Well, yeah…duh. But can we really write it all off on chemistry at this age or what is meant to be? Probably not, because as we start to get older who we will be for the rest of our lives truly begins to develop, and crappy relationships follow with it until we hit our own personal love jack pot.

                Sure, you’re a hot, vivacious, stupefying bachelor/bachelorette and deserve the very best (of course). However, no matter how many unsuccessful relationships you endure you can’t automatically be inclined to view it as infra dig. Not every guy that breaks your heart is too good for you, and you aren’t too good for every guy that you dump on his ass. You both just have two different flames about you- two different sources of happiness- two different things that make you tick. No, I’m not referring to the fact that you want a diamond ring and he wants to see strippers asses bounce at the strip club on Thursday nights (may luck be with you if this is the case) but other differences that we write off as not-a-big-deal because of the overwhelming chemistry we feel for our partner and our overwhelming need to connect with them. Well that fiery chemistry you feel won’t last forever, and if you both have total different ambitions that chemistry might only hold you together for about a year.

                So what type of contrast am I truly talking about? Well, ambitions is a huge one. If you’re a young gal in her 20’s like myself- divergence in ambitions could be the biggest red flag yet. Need examples? On one side of the spectrum we have a couple who share that common spark of interests. Let’s use my cousin who lives in DC to analyze (sorry girl). She absolutely loves her job, like actually loves it (yeah, one of those people).  Long story short she essentially directs videos for a Libertarian Organization. Her counterpart also loves what he does, which is writing and reporting. If you’re thinking Well Alicia, they have different ambitions like you said, they will never last! – Then you have not been paying attention as well as I was hoping. They are both passionate about work, and how accomplishing things in that area of their lives makes them feel- this is common among them. So when my cousin walks in and says, “Babe, look at the footage that we were able to snag today!” they can bond about this because they can both relate to this sort of elation.

                On the other side of the spectrum we can see how different types of drive can cause a clear disconnect. I will use myself as an example for this one. I’ve had this issue with many of my exes, and it doesn’t mean that I am better than any of them like I mentioned before- we just have different things that light our fires. In college I was an avid writer for my University website, I also drafted and carried out my own speeches for my school Speech and Debate team. I would proudly discuss each tiny accomplishment I felt after finishing an article, winning a competition etc. I would be beaming. Can I tell you it was like pulling teeth to have this guy read what I put out or listen to me practice my delivery (My speech was pretty kickass by the way and the topic was fabulously interesting as well.) He would barely able to keep focus or act interested. Not completely anyone’s fault- we just cared about different stuff! He was into working making quick, good money and having a good time with friends and family (nothing wrong with that!) but I was sick of feeling so drained and disconnected to someone I shared chemistry with so I forced myself to connect on different levels: Oh l planned a great party/ Oh I heard of this great bar/ Oh lets go do something new. I was left unhappy. I wanted to talk books, technique, and life after college. (Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed a stiff drink then and I do now- but you get the point).

                Chemistry is a very tricky thing don’t you know. I’ve seen it blind friends time and time again. When you’re younger it’s like…What else is there to put into perspective? Chemistry and love is all that matters. Well as we grow older we need to start looking for someone who carries that spark like we do. Someone who gets excited about the same stuff that we do. Someone who listens and cares about the stuff we have to say because they honestly are interested. Yeah, chemistry should be there (it would feel strange if it wasn’t in the mix completely) but try to focus on the fact that you and this person are going to have to float on more than good chemistry. Find the common interests, find what makes you tick and the rest will come. [WARNING: this advice is not applicable for hook-ups, one night stands or friends-with-benefits. Let that chemistry flag fly, girl].

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Dating in college

Ah yes, the all dreaded dating. When you’re dating around it always seems so hard, and looks like it is so easy for your peers. When you are in a relationship it seems like the rest of the world is having so much fun being single, and when you are single you feel lonely as a son of a bitch! Confusing, right? Throughout life this frustrating pattern will keep up for the most part, the only thing that really changes is the environment you are immersed in. So what about dating in one of the most diverse environments of all time: college. Aside from all of that learning and personal growth stuff you ultimately signed up for, having a good time has to get thrown in the mix somewhere. Here are some “truths” about dating in college

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Dormcest: For those of you who can’t put these two concepts together “dormcest” refers to two students hooking up that reside in the same dormitory. Initially the idea might seem really tempting: you’re finally done with an all weekend bender and you can flop into bed just a few steps away from your comfort zone with a cutie. Don’t get it twisted though, this situation can turn sour fast. If you don’t want to commit to this person and they start to get attached this could be absolute sabotage for future hook ups you bring around. Or potentially worse, you run into one of their new hook ups once you start to catch feelings. Ouch.

 

Dating apps: It’s 2016 and technology is everywhere. Most of us have made the leap to online dating. Some of us at least have the apps even if we just screw around with them. Well, just like “real-life-dating” or RLD it’s vital to be first and foremost safe. It’s easy to find a cutie that you want to link up with, but just because Tinder says he goes to your school and has a killer body doesn’t mean that you can meet up at the end of a party street at 3:30 in the morning. Wait, what? Yeah, people do this and it can put you in a sticky situation. JUST BE SMART! Meet up in groups, or somewhere like a dining hall. Do I sound dull? Probably… but get over it.

 

Don’t judge a book by its cover: College is certainly the time I realized you shouldn’t judge someone based on looks alone, because looks aren’t going to make you laugh or grow or buy you a Mcdouble after you drink your face off. The guy eating his taco Tuesday meal by himself could be a winner, and winners don’t always need to surround themselves with flocks of people (or hot girls?). Smart is the new sexy and active mates are something you should hold onto because people tend to get super lazy after high school. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to ignore the hunk in your marketing class just because of some new found sense of virtue, but keep an open mind!

 

Don’t kiss and tell: Once you get to college you are able to start a clean slate and leave all of the high school drama behind. However, this new clean slate will get dirty eventually. Just like high school, your fresh drama will surely follow you the next four years in university. If you’re actively dating you should keep some information to yourself because no matter how old you are you will continue to be judged. It’s okay to not care to a certain point but don’t make the same mistakes twice.

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4 Things Only Girls That Struggle With a Yo-yo Weight Cycle Understand

So, I suspect the best way to preface this article is to bring to light that I used to be decently fat as a child. I have always struggled with my weight, even when I was at my smallest. I knew I was chubby when I started cheerleading in 3^rd grade. I was the only kid that barely fit in a size large, and couldn’t do a cartwheel (I will confess that that probably had nothing to do with me being fat, just pathetically unathletic). Anyways, I’d watch all the girls tumbling around with these tiny hips and I’d just be kind of picking at the grass wishing I wasn’t there.

                I thinned out a lot as I hit middle school, and by my senior year of high school I was unrecognizably skinny. Low and behold, college has put me back in my place with all of the partying, sleeping in late and study snacks. Needless to say this has driven me crazy. It’s not just a struggle, but a cycle:

 

1.       The whispering

 

You guys know what I mean, the “ohhh’s” the “ahhh’s”. The “you look so great” or “have you lost weight?” You mind as well have it tattooed on your forehead that you’ve lost or gained fat because everyone is inquiring about it. Not to mention the look on people’s faces when you gained some noticeable pounds.

 

 That, “too bad, she looked so good thin” stares. People just keep pointing out your physical health, and it’s starting to strain on your mental.

 

2.       You never fully see your body for what it is

 

Even when you are at your skinniest you barely realize it. It’s the idea of how you might see someone every day, so you are less apt to see their overall changes over a month or so. It’s the same thing with your own self. You look at yourself daily, so you can’t really see the weight loss or gain, you can only feel it. This can especially suck if you really are thinning out, because when you look in the mirror all you see is your “problem areas”. You just won’t take anyone’s word for it when they say you look great.

 

3.       You can never be quite sure if you’ll be skinny again

 

This yo-yo weight shit isn’t like…on a timer or anything. It’s not like every year on the year you’re like “Oh goodie! Time for my new hot bod, just in time for summer!” Nope, on the contrary, you feel like you’ll be fat forever. You don’t know how you lost 12 pounds last semester, you just remember you did. And now, there’s no end in sight! Every picture from recently is cringe worthy, and all of your old skinny pics feel like a goddamn sham! You endlessly obsess over what you weighed last month and tell yourself with a little hard work you’ll feel better (hint: it takes A LOT of hard work to change a lifestyle because diets aren’t real.)

 

4.       Your EFFING wardrobe

 

Ahhh yes, the dreaded closet. You haven’t worn your festive crop tops since Nam and your white American Eagle jeans have become Enemy #1. It might not be your old small clothes that seal the deal for you but the new bulky ones. The size up on your tags is a confidence crusher, and your yoga pants are already getting worn out. It becomes your fucking mission to fit into your summer shorts, but until then, you’ll be rocking your 10^th sundress this week.

 

 Image 1 credit: http://www.truereligionproject.com/2012_01_01_archive.html

Image credit 2: http://reasonswhyimhappy.com/reason-26-yo-yo-dieting/

From Young Adult to Real Life Adult

                Ahhh yes, growing pains. No, I’m not just talking about the aches, the cramps, and other unmentionable body issues (although that is a total thing in your 20’s). I’m actually referring to the mental strain of becoming an adult. Yes, like the “growing pains” of realizing, shit- I am on the fast track of being a full on adult and becoming 30 seems like a hop and a skip away.

                So anyways, I’ve never thought too deeply about this phrase until I was a teenager. I thought of growing pains as a shorter way to describe the hormonal confusing whirlwind I was stuck in while the rest of the world seemed to be floating above me with ease. By the end of high school I thought I had it all figured out…this was not the first or last time I realized how very wrong I was.

                We spend so much of our developmental years in grade school that by the time we hit college we are led to believe that it will be a fun and quick four years that shall lead us to the Promise Land: an entry level job. To me, college has just been like getting my feet wet, but I don’t feel quite ready to jump in the pool. However this is not another quirky article about how college doesn’t really prepare you for the real world completely (don't get me wrong- I'll post that when I graduate) but how we have to adjust to a handful of changes while evolving from young adult to RLA (real life adult).

 

1.       The Age Factor

All my life I’ve heard my parents, family friends, star crossed lovers in movies and even teachers explain to me that age is just a number. I’d think to myself, “that’s just something that older people say”. Nope, if you are deeper than a kiddie pool then it shouldn’t take too long to realize it makes perfect sense. Not to get all weird on you guys, but I feel like our souls stay young, they just adapt to social norms for our age and adapt to the level of education or brain has caught up to. But the soul is the same. The class clown will always be goofy, even at 70. The princess bitch in your homeroom will always have a stick up her royal ass, even at 70. However as we grow into these older ages we start to wonder: Am I where I always told myself where I would be at this age? The clock is ticking, and old age is sticking.

 

2.       If we’re talking BODY

This concept is still tripping me out. That whole thing about metabolism slowing down, and French fries taking you down is true. Our 20’s is when we have the chance to get in the best shape of our lives, but more importantly set healthy habits we can carry with us even after we are married with children. My skinny mini friends and I are religiously watching what we eat, and even what we drink. Word to the wise is STRAY AWAY FROM BEER. Great for casual settings but that shit is a trap. Beer bellies on deck for RLA.

                Weight doesn’t just cover it though, our faces age as well. Now, some people call me crazy but I already apply anti-aging cream daily. Since I’m only 23, its only preventative (but it does keep my skin baby smooth).

 

 However, no cream will stop Mother Nature from taking her natural course through my body. When I look back at pictures of me from even 2 or 3 years ago I can’t believe how young I look. Try not to party too much like a rock star, because it will age you like a jackass.

 

3.       Friendships

So here is my genetic take on how we grow old and lose friends:

                Your priorities change. Their priorities change. You set new social boundaries for yourself. They set new social boundaries for themselves. You meet new key people in your life. They meet new key people in their life. Get it?

 

                What I am trying to convey is life changes. You will have friends you know your entire fucking life, and suddenly you link up one day and things don’t click between you anymore. A lot of people will ignore this feeling and try to force something that isn’t quite there anymore. These feelings of companionship have dissipated, and an empty expectation of friendships have emerged. Things that you usually want to run and tell them, you now have the urge to tell someone else. Growing apart HURTS, but making yourself connect with people who just don’t get ‘it’ will HURT you too.

So I know I am painting the process of growing up to sound like the worst form of torture, but it’s not. However if we don’t prepare ourselves, reality will give us a big old slap in the face quite quickly.

Image 1 credit: http://intothegloss.com/2013/03/anti-aging-in-your-twenties-too-much-too-soon-skin-care-products-retinol/

 

Image credit 2: http://www.playbuzz.com/smotht10/what-princess-diaries-character-are-you

New Year- New Excuses

Oh man, 2015? Kind of messed up considering I remember when it turned 2000 and I was dragged to some huge fancy hall to celebrate the new millennium with my parents. I didn’t really get the big deal except that I got to stay out late at 6 years old (which I wasn’t happy at the time… just a little tired bitch). So it has been 15 years since then, and like, a shit ton has changed. But have you?

                Okay, so obviously you are older, I’ll even give you wiser (unless you have actually been living under a rock with no human contact) but have you really changed? Think about it, 15 years ago who were you? Most of you reading this are probably my age and you’re like, “Uhm, Alicia I was freaking 6 years old, the fact that I have changed is a given”.

                …Right. I know.

                But I mean after all of the years since then, even last year what has really changed? People have these stupid resolutions when what you should really try to change is your attitude. A typical one that people aim for is Lose Weight- New Year New You. Don’t get me wrong, I know some people that will take this idea and turn it into a life style. They lose weight, and they are healthy happy members of society and their gym of choice. But leave room for the hypocrites (me included).

                You see, you get this surge of motivation. It feels like a second chance- although changing your life for the better is a chance you get every day, people will ignore that fact. These same people will hit the gym for like 2 weeks and eventually fall back into their horrible habits. Not to mention, the diet and gym never come at the same time and you cannot out exercise a shitty diet. Just do it! Don’t lie to yourself if you aren’t going to commit. You know what you can commit to? Sweating a little bit every day and don’t eat like an asshole. Last year I remember thinking “crap I gained weight, I feel fat. I should probably work on this”. Then I didn’t, and a few months later when I was actually fat I was like “wow I wish I could just get back to my weight from a few months ago”. [Aka I was willing to settle for still out of shape and had no intentions of ever getting to my ideal weight]. I didn’t promise myself grueling gym hours or a crazy diet, but with few real changes I lost enough weight that I’m not too down on myself. And I feel better because I am keeping up with it.

                Enough about me though, back to your attitude. You need to work on that crap. Motivation isn’t enough. It’s not like because you really want something one day that this will bring success for years to come. You need to continue to stay motivated. Can’t stop won’t stop is a real thing. The second you stop, is when things go to shit. The second you break the new “norm” you’ve created for yourself you are royally fucked.

                Another good piece of advice, keep your resolution a secret, because people will ask and ask and ask, just hoping you caved on it so they can feel better about caving on their own.

So good luck for the year to come. Be realistic, try hard and get ready because next year will arrive in a blink of an eye.

Insecurities and absurdities: The female mind

This day and age the concept of a beautiful woman is kind of all over the place. There is the Bohemian Bombshell, Blonde Beauty, Fashion Guru’s, Yoga Chicks and so many more. Every girl has something sexy about her. And no, this is not a sappy article about how all girls should love themselves, girl power or whatever. Quite honestly, if you don’t already know this ladies, I can’t help you, and you have a long road ahead of yourself. This is more of a reality check, or to put it more lightly a “helping hand”.

I remember when I was in a relationship in high school with a guy who always said he liked blondes. Me on the other hand being brunette with brown eyes and tanned skin never felt like I was what he wanted. Suddenly everywhere I looked, there were gorgeous blonde women. 

It’s sort of like when you get a new car, and you see the exact model everywhere. And you are thinking in your head, “That’s my car, that’s my car”.  That was me: Look at that girl, look at that girl. It was suddenly a Blondes World now that I was insecure.

Anyways I dropped the loser, started feeling better about myself and it wasn’t long before I realized Blondie’s weren’t the direct problem. You see, just because some guys like blondes, some like brunettes, some like the dark skin some like the pale chicks. Beauty is different in everyone’s eyes. Women are extremely aesthetically pleasing. There are ravishing girls here in America, as well as half way around the world, rich/poor…it doesn’t matter. Females are actually one of the only species where the female is more attractive than the males.

So put something in your head: You will never be the most attractive girl in the room. And it isn’t because you necessarily aren’t a knock out, but different people are into different things. Just because that guy in your math class likes your best friend and not you doesn’t mean she is better, just what that one person is looking for. Then all of a sudden a different guy prefers you and its just weird and fast how life works out like that.

Listen, even if you are a Victoria Secret Angel, there will still be that guy who wants the Playboy Bunny. Even if you are freaking Kim Kardashian there will always be the guy who wants Jennifer Aniston instead. Just because you have a butt, a guy might like boobs. Just because you have abs, a guy could like curves. You see what I mean? Don’t kill yourself by comparing yourself to other females. There are waaay to many drop-dead gorgeous girls out there to try to be on top. Be happy with yourself, or work on it until you are. Because you will kill yourself trying to be the hottest girl in the room.