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Valentines Day tribute to all my paired up friends

Every year all these articles come out that revolve around everyone’s holiday we love to hate: Valentines Day. Well, whether you’re in a piss poor relationship celebrating, or no boo at all, for most of us its pretty much just another day with rose petals on top. How lovely.

I’ve had 3 separate boyfriends take me out to my favorite wing place in my hometown over the years, and the food was all I really cared about (you can’t have intimate conversations with hot sauce all up in your throat) so I’m easy to please.  Okay, okay, okay- I might be a tad bit more complicated than buffalo chicken, but not by much! Anyways, I guess it didn’t matter about the boyfriend or the past memories- I just wanted the freaking chicken! Let the romantic crap find its way afterwards.

In between years I would find myself single, with no other half to take me on a luxurious date to Wendell’s, so I would convince my girlfriends. This ended up working on almost all of my off years, and guess what? I enjoyed it all the same, if not MORE with my friends than with the former flames.

My reasoning is that friendships can hold a bigger place in your heart than any significant other  (SO), especially true if you’ve already moved on from the shmuck. This year as I find myself out of college and that much older, so my friends all seem to be paired up. Most of them are in relationships that are actually decently healthy  (that’s really how you know your growing up) and little old me is left in the dust. Now of course I’ll still be getting drunk off buffalo and beer, even by myself, but I’ll take a moment for my fallen compadres. So friends hear me out…

I hope this day is amazing for you, but not so different than every day you and your SO spend together, because they should always treat you like a Queen.

I hope you get your favorite flowers, not just standard roses. I hope they know you well enough to tell the difference.

I hope the lingerie you bought doesn’t go to waste, because as we all know, planned sex isn’t always the most pleasurable, unfortunately.

I hope you’re even in the mood to have sex after the big meal you enjoy together.

I hope this is what you really, truly want, and that you never doubt yourself and why your with your partner as the day drags by. I have made that mistake plenty.

I hope your SO doesn’t have any crazy exes trying to ruin the day- because this is the day to do it.

Oh, and I hope you see my Snapchat with me devouring food on my own, and you smile to yourself and say to your lover, “she’s a crazy bitch, huh?"

Just because it’s going to be a normal Wednesday for me, doesn’t mean I don’t wish it can be less cheesey for the rest of you guys. So here is my tribute to all my amazing girlfriends. May your heart and stomach be full this Valentines Day, let us all reunite, the magical day after when candy is 50% off. Amen.

Halloween habits: send to the GRAVE or SAVE?

It’s that time of the year for Halloween lovers to rejoice! The leaves are falling, the air is crisp, and every girl within a mile radius of a Starbucks has a pumpkin flavored latte. Now believe me, I get it. Halloween isn’t everyone’s have all end all holiday (because who can really compete with Thanksgiving where you eat and drink all day?) But let us ghouls have our fun! Don’t let it be another year of going through the motions, making the same horrific mistakes you’ve been doing for years! Which Halloween and Fall habits should you SAVE, or take to the GRAVE?

Tanning to look good in costume… GRAVEYARD THAT SHIT!

Listen my little orange Pumpkin, I used to be the top tanning terror of the universe, and I remember the false confidence it gave me during holiday seasons.

Example 1: Getting fat from Christmas treats? Tan it away!

Example 2: Need that extra color before Valentines day? Jump in the tanning bed!

Example 3: Want to look mega hot in your not-so-modest costume? Tan-o-rama here I come!

To be fair, being tan can really change a look, but there are safer options. Options which won’t make you resemble candy corn as much… Consider a safer option such as a bronzer lotion. Get that subtle glow that’s sure to make your man’s Jack-o-Lantern light up (ha-ha).

*side note: this product by Younique is guaranteed to give you that killer color you are searching for.

https://www.youniqueproducts.com/Haliann/products/view/US-12402-01#.WeiJ8x8pBnF

Buy candy from the store the day after Halloween……. SAVE, DUH!

Like, literally save. Save the habit, save your money, save the embarrassment of stealing your younger sibling’s candy. Save, save, save! These deals are everywhere: CVS, Walgreens, Walmart. Feel free to hit a few places to please your sweet tooth, and regret nothing. If there is any time to break away from healthy living, I’d say this is a pretty good time.

Group costumes/couple costumes… SAVE, (AND PROBABLY GRAVE…)

Ok, so these are either super funny, super clever, or super DUMB! Here is a short comprehensive list of group costumes that should retire, simply because they are played out, or cheesy as hell.

*3 Blind mice

* Miley Cyrus and any type of background dancer EVER

*Shark week (used to love this, now I hate this)

*101 Dalmatians

Also, I have something seriously against the 101 Dalmatian idea. Unless you have that many friends, you’re not doing to costume right. God, I can be such a hater. As for couples costumes....

Now listen, I’m not hating on the couples costumes because I’m a single, self loathing witch (debatable)- but because it’s impossible to take it seriously. If it’s clever and original or just plain funny, do it. But if it’s not, be prepared for tons of fake smiles, and eye rolls behind your backs! No one likes a played out couples costume, so ditch the idea.

If you lovebirds have your heart set on something, go for it! I mean, even if it’s not the most unique idea, don’t listen to me- you should probably go for it anyways. Something is always better than nothing; but if you and your entire crew or you and your other half can’t even manage to pull this together, well, uh… good luck to you.


Being festive as all hell (save!)

Okay, hear me out. I know there’s a lot of Internet smack talking about getting pumpkin lattes, apple picking, and pumpkin carving but I say screw it. As adults what do we even have to look forward to? If I can’t be obnoxiously excited about a bullshit holiday, than you can just pack me in now, my ride ends here. Sure, it might be in bad taste to dress up and go trick-or-treating, so that’s why as adults we’ve created all these desperate ploys to still celebrate. I mean, if I want to have 3 pumpkin martinis on a Wednesday night, you can bet your cobwebbed ass I am! Anyone that has a problem with it can take it up with me and Casper the friendly ghost, who are getting chocolaty wasted in the corner.

So here’s to another year of terrifying traditions and horrific habits. Above all guys: have fun, and be SAFE!

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5 Things You Figure Out by 25

This is not a drill. I REPEAT- this is not a freaking drill!

Guys, I've been writing content like this since I was twenty. Back then I thought I had it all figured out: party hard/work hard, hold your friends close but enemies closer, eat a pizza, even it out with the gym. You know, stuff like that. Had only I known back then what I know now. But listen, maybe we aren't supposed to know all of the tricks about growing up; we just have to live them first hand. Or maybe we do know and don't give a shit anyways! Okay, so, here we go...


1. Your future is looming over your head now more than ever


Do you finally have your dream job? Nope!
Are you at least making the money you need to survive the week? Also nope!


Don't panic. This is way more common than you think. 99.9% of you aren't working your dream job yet, and that's okay! What isn't okay is not having your tangible goals in front of you, or even in motion a tad bit. It's not the beginning of college anymore where you can switch majors ten times and still receive a pat on the back.

 If you can't sit down and map out a path towards what the next 5 years will look like maybe you should take a step back. Our creative juices and energy aren't getting any younger. Step it up.


2. Friends? New phone who dis?


I've always been someone to think of it as "once a friend always a friend". Especially towards the long time friendships I've held near and dear to my heart. After a few years of learning the tough way, I am now certain about the fact that a person can't go on holding others to the same standards when the results have changed. Honestly though, would you keep a mattress for 10+ years just because it used to be kickass? No, you wouldn't. So don't hold on to friends just because they used to be awesome, either. My Mom used to always tell me that as you get older you'll see who your real friends are, and it's true! Keep the negative energy out, and good energy in. Don't be afraid to cut someone out because they've been there for a while.


Snip snip, bitch.




3. Bad habits never die


This one probably hits home for most of you. By this point you've either tried to break the vicious cycles you've ensued on yourself for the past 25 years or you've just accepted it for what it is. This could really be anything.

 Perhaps you bite your nails, smoke cigarettes, cheat on your significant other, order McDonald's twice a week, store hot sauce in your purse (wait, is that even a bad habit?) For literally years you had different and painful learning experiences that should have hit that switch in your head telling yourself to knock it off. But you just can't do it. My dudes, you are getting older and supposedly wiser- kick the bad habit once and for all. You won't regret it.

*Notes my own advice and never uses it*



4. You are what you eat


Like...literally. Now this isn't about skinny or fat. This isn't about your friend that has been a size 0 since as long as she can remember or even your buddy who's always been a hefty size 12. 25 is FAIR GAME. This is when I noticed my metabolism going ballistic. Did that fry you ate yesterday already go to your thigh? Probably. Did that beer you just chugged already make its way to your gut? Certainly! Did that 3 week crash diet really change anything about your weight? Hell to the no! Start making genuinely good choices for your body. No such thing as diet, just a good lifestyle.  (side note: eat as many tacos as you want- that's always a good choice).


5. You can't party like a rock star anymore


...and you don't look like one anymore, either. Okay, when I was 17 I was like damn, I really don't want this to stop. Staying up late, experimenting with friends, letting the fun completely rule my life. Then I got to college... an entire new reason to binge without guilt. It was great while it lasted. By the time I got out, I tried to keep as much normalcy in my life as possible: drink right after work, go out every day of every weekend, blah blah blah. Welp, as the story goes I realized my body could still do it, it just really, really, REALLY didn't want to. The hangovers now hung over me, the dark circles never got lighter, and the hype of the bar just vanished (like everyone told me it would). Do you want to look like Lindsay Lohan in 2012? No. So sit your ass down and drink a water every once and a while.

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Valentines Day: From Just Plain Bad to Bad and Boujee

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You alone this year bitch what’s up!

Happy February guys. It’s that month that reminds you how alone you really are, or how disappointing your crap relationship actually is. If neither of those apply to you then I don’t know why you’re even reading this. Go watch Fifty Shades of Grey with your boyfriend or something.

Anyways, a few years ago I wrote an article on why V-Day sucks, but this year let’s talk about turning it around. Yeah, you could just ignore this horrid day like most single people try to do, but it’s pretty much unavoidable. Pink hearts on TV, the radio with cheesy ADS, I can’t even walk into CVS to get my damn face wash without being bombarded with a giant pink bear. When ignoring becomes less of an option, why not just embrace it?

1. The waiting game

As if that one day in itself isn’t frustrating enough, you have to wait the entire month to be asked out. Is he going to ask me? Will she already have plans? Newsflash: if you aren’t sure during the month of February if you will have a Valentine date, chances are you don’t. Chances are the dude is too nervous to ask (and who wants to deal with that) or he is just not that into you.

Now listen, men are not complex creatures. Us ladies are the mysteries. Guys are straight forward; if they want you, you will know. Like 100%. No room for confusion. Don’t let your best friend lie to you. He isn’t too busy to secure plans, you just aren’t the one he’s making plans with (side bitch alert!). Don’t wait around. And men: if the girl doesn’t seem like she could care less don’t stress over her either. She probably has guys lined up. Females can be tricky like that.

Make plans with your other single friends. Go get a drink. Go see a movie. Cry in your bed and watch Dirty Dancing. It doesn’t matter, just don’t wait around.

This year I only have two words: blackout Tuesday.

 

2. Gifts

Oh yes, the dreaded gifts. There really isn’t any way to buy something that’s not corny as hell. If it’s a new flame chocolates and (a giant pink stuffed bear) whatever else CVS wants to rob you of is probably the go-to. It’s the more solid relationships that can get complicated. I remember last Valentine’s Day my boyfriend at the time got me lingerie. I saw the frilly little box and ripped that shit open like it was Christmas morning. I pulled out the cutest bra and panty combo. They were really pretty. I was like aw, BABE! You picked this out!? He was all Yeah, babe. I did. All was well and good until I tried to try it on. I took one look at the tag. It was something like 30 C or something ridiculous like that. For anyone confused, this bra would be more appropriate for a Victoria Secret model. I guess my boyfriend at the time forgot he was dating a potato that’s shaped like a little boy. The dude took my bra of for like 2 years in a row and didn’t even know my size! It was a bummer because it was super cute.

Rumor has it he wants to give it to a new girl in the future because he couldn’t return it. Bro, if you find a girl that fits into that I am seriously proud of you.

Girls with stupendous racks: 1,000,000

Me: 0

 

Ladies, TREAT YO SELF. We don’t need a guy to do what we do best, anyways: shopping

 

3. For the guys

I don’t particularly want to bash on men this entire post because truth be told there are some truly great guys out there who want to take a girl out or maybe see if their dream girl is seriously taken. Just a warning, this month can cause a serious complex for some females. *Not all just some*. If a girl has been ignoring you literally all year and #wastinghistime20-whateverthefuck- don’t even bother. Don’t waste your sweet time. All this girl is looking for is a cute picture to put on Insta to prove she’s not miserable and alone.

Like I said, it’s on a Tuesday this year anyways. Go fill your time with whatever you dudes do. Hang out with your friends. Go play some video games or eat a burger or some shit. But do not, and I mean DO NOT catch yourself dead texting your ex. Yeah, you know that ex I’m talking about. She’s waiting on that regretful text like the brain ninja that she is.

 

4. The aftermath

Before you know it the day will be over, and everyone will be continuing on with their normal lives, well aware of where they stand with whomever. Humpday will emerge and you will be making weekend plans. No need to feel bad about all of the candy you ate. In fact, good old CVS will have an entire section of candy 50% off. Buy some for yourself, stash it in your room and eat it until you can’t anymore. Ladies and gentlemen please take this opportunity as a new slate. Find fresh people that you click with, or continue that journey of being by yourself (there is nothing better than some alone time). Why run on the same old hamster wheel? Before you know it the weekend will arrive and you will have fellow singles running the streets eager to mingle. Why feel sorry for yourself when you don’t have to?

 

In conclusion: do not wait around. Make plans of your own.

Do not fret about all of those love-birds on social media. Go buy yourself something you actually want.

Do not let that special person string you along. You’re a strong independent man/woman and you don’t need no run around!

Oh, and do not puke from all of the chocolate you’re about to eat. Actually, go ahead. Knock yourself out.

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When it's okay to be selfish AF

I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and she was asking why it’s so frowned upon to be selfish. At first I figured the answer was obvious: we should be considerate of other peoples feelings. She said, "Well, I am already considerate of peoples feelings but how come I always have to do that if they aren't considerate back?" Touché. Why is it that we can't put aside other peoples feelings for our own? In fact why is it sometimes not even expected?! Let us take a closer look at the meaning of the word.

 

selfish; adjective

1.      (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Essentially since we were in diapers we are coached to avoid being selfish and to acknowledge other people’s feelings. We are expected to help others save face and to even to put our feelings aside to spare someone else’s. Sure this ties in with the grand scheme of having manners but when is it okay to put ourselves first? Surely there must be a time for that! We can’t possibly be expected to push all of our inner desires and feelings aside all the time, are we? No need to bring it to that extreme Alicia, the adults never said that. Well I don’t remember the talk after the selfish discussion that drilled into our susceptible minds that sometimes being selfish is the only way to grow and move forward. Sometimes we have to be “concerned chiefly with one’s personal gain” and growth… what the hell is so wrong with that?  Below I have laid out some examples of when it is okay to be selfish AF.

 

Relationships:

When the relationship is fucking garbage. Here you probably are, running around messing with all of the strong, competent and amazing aspects of your personality to please someone else. That someone else just keeps taking and taking and taking; and you my friend… you keep giving and giving and giving. I have seen some of my smartest and most level headed girlfriends change everything from their hair color to what they do for fun to get closer to their significant other. It isn’t pretty. Here you two are, fighting like cats and dogs, and when the fighting is over? Well you’re still giving them 90% and they are cruising by with a maximum of 10% effort.

 Now I get it, everyone has their days and it is vital to pick someone up during those bad times but for goodness sake realize when you’re being used like a cheap doormat. Be selfish, pull yourself out of this shit show and be on your own for a while. Find yourself. Don’t worry about someone asking where you are when you’ll be back why you acted like that. We go through years of conditioning that tells us to protect other people’s feelings but when do we begin to protect our own?

 

Leaving your job:

           

This one hits home for me personally. I’ve really liked some of my jobs I’ve walked away from in the past, and really loved the people I worked with or for. It’s odd because you feel this insane feeling of deception. Whether you like it or not, your job/career is a huge part of your life. You spend about 40 hours a week there which is probably more time than you spend with your loved ones. When I left my restaurant job to pursue my first career move I felt like a double-dealing cheating sellout. They needed me (not really). They couldn’t function without me (they were just fine). They could never replace me (all of my coworkers took my good shifts like vultures). Anyways, I knew that no matter how painful it was to leave, I had to look toward my blossoming future. I’m actually on my second ‘adult’ job and leaving my first ‘adult’ job was just as painful. But if you don’t take your destiny by the hair who will?

 

Mental and physical health:

 

            Do any of you guys have friends in your lives who seem to always be pressuring you? Because I swear to God I have been cursed with friends whom I love, but these same people talk me into anything and everything I don’t want to do. Just drank and puked in a bush 4 hours ago? Let’s get mimosas! Just got over a cold? Let’s go ice skating! No money? Let’s get our nails done! Going with the flow isn’t always the best option (although many would say I’m not exactly the ‘going with the flow’ type) sometimes you have to realize when you are mentally and physically drained. Say no. Be selfish. Lay in bed. TAKE A NAP. Tell your friend to take a hike. Ignore all responsibilities and binge watch Netflix for 3 days straight. No actually- don’t do that. Sorry I’m getting carried away here.

 

This list of when it is okay to be selfish could probably go on forever. I could write and write and write and push these ideas into your head. The bottom line is sometimes we exert so much energy into other people. Too much energy into other people. It’s not only harmful to you but to your personal evolution. I’m 24 and I am just now learning when to put myself first. I am just now learning when to love myself, pamper myself and do things for just myself. I’ve never been this happy and that’s the honest to God truth. So although it’s important to be selfless sometimes- don’t forget it’s okay to be selfish sometimes too.

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CHEMISTRY: why it's not even close to enough

In my own personal experience I have seen a definite change in the quality of love I am yearning for. In all seriousness, there are probably a million sappy posts online that try to capture the idea to never settle, or to always follow your gut, blah blah blah. Well, yeah…duh. But can we really write it all off on chemistry at this age or what is meant to be? Probably not, because as we start to get older who we will be for the rest of our lives truly begins to develop, and crappy relationships follow with it until we hit our own personal love jack pot.

                Sure, you’re a hot, vivacious, stupefying bachelor/bachelorette and deserve the very best (of course). However, no matter how many unsuccessful relationships you endure you can’t automatically be inclined to view it as infra dig. Not every guy that breaks your heart is too good for you, and you aren’t too good for every guy that you dump on his ass. You both just have two different flames about you- two different sources of happiness- two different things that make you tick. No, I’m not referring to the fact that you want a diamond ring and he wants to see strippers asses bounce at the strip club on Thursday nights (may luck be with you if this is the case) but other differences that we write off as not-a-big-deal because of the overwhelming chemistry we feel for our partner and our overwhelming need to connect with them. Well that fiery chemistry you feel won’t last forever, and if you both have total different ambitions that chemistry might only hold you together for about a year.

                So what type of contrast am I truly talking about? Well, ambitions is a huge one. If you’re a young gal in her 20’s like myself- divergence in ambitions could be the biggest red flag yet. Need examples? On one side of the spectrum we have a couple who share that common spark of interests. Let’s use my cousin who lives in DC to analyze (sorry girl). She absolutely loves her job, like actually loves it (yeah, one of those people).  Long story short she essentially directs videos for a Libertarian Organization. Her counterpart also loves what he does, which is writing and reporting. If you’re thinking Well Alicia, they have different ambitions like you said, they will never last! – Then you have not been paying attention as well as I was hoping. They are both passionate about work, and how accomplishing things in that area of their lives makes them feel- this is common among them. So when my cousin walks in and says, “Babe, look at the footage that we were able to snag today!” they can bond about this because they can both relate to this sort of elation.

                On the other side of the spectrum we can see how different types of drive can cause a clear disconnect. I will use myself as an example for this one. I’ve had this issue with many of my exes, and it doesn’t mean that I am better than any of them like I mentioned before- we just have different things that light our fires. In college I was an avid writer for my University website, I also drafted and carried out my own speeches for my school Speech and Debate team. I would proudly discuss each tiny accomplishment I felt after finishing an article, winning a competition etc. I would be beaming. Can I tell you it was like pulling teeth to have this guy read what I put out or listen to me practice my delivery (My speech was pretty kickass by the way and the topic was fabulously interesting as well.) He would barely able to keep focus or act interested. Not completely anyone’s fault- we just cared about different stuff! He was into working making quick, good money and having a good time with friends and family (nothing wrong with that!) but I was sick of feeling so drained and disconnected to someone I shared chemistry with so I forced myself to connect on different levels: Oh l planned a great party/ Oh I heard of this great bar/ Oh lets go do something new. I was left unhappy. I wanted to talk books, technique, and life after college. (Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed a stiff drink then and I do now- but you get the point).

                Chemistry is a very tricky thing don’t you know. I’ve seen it blind friends time and time again. When you’re younger it’s like…What else is there to put into perspective? Chemistry and love is all that matters. Well as we grow older we need to start looking for someone who carries that spark like we do. Someone who gets excited about the same stuff that we do. Someone who listens and cares about the stuff we have to say because they honestly are interested. Yeah, chemistry should be there (it would feel strange if it wasn’t in the mix completely) but try to focus on the fact that you and this person are going to have to float on more than good chemistry. Find the common interests, find what makes you tick and the rest will come. [WARNING: this advice is not applicable for hook-ups, one night stands or friends-with-benefits. Let that chemistry flag fly, girl].

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